True

I love you
Even when I am tired
And want to throw in the towel

When I look out
At the smart, witty joker
Or the suave sexy guy

When I get compliments
from strangers
And friends from days far

When my day is bad
And the night does not
seem to end

I love you
For reason unknown
For knowing you are you
Not some mirage

For being a friend
a lover
And everything in between

For saying the truth
And not some made up lies
to please me for a moment

But standing by
When the world passed by

I love you
And someday you would know
And not ask me why
And not ask me to prove
what I feel for you...

I love you
I just do.

M&A 7

I got a feeling, that tonight's gonna be a good night!

Guess what, I am standing in the queue to the lift [yes, nowadays we have a long queue because of the stupid 7,8,9 floors people who have crowded our not so crowded office building x( ]. But today I am not grumpy with them. Because, he was standing a little ahead of me in the queue, which in my morning hassled mood I did not notice, till I got into the lift and looked up, to see him right there!

My defensive armour took over in a split second and I looked away into the closing door. 30 seconds of close proximity.  For the 1st time I did not mind the lift stopping at all random floors. I would rather have it stop at each floor, than get me out fast. Finally my floor came, and I stepped out confidently, urging myself to not look back. And I didn't. Till I beeped my card. And when I turned he was still looking at me!

I got a feeling, a feeling, a feeling, feeling, feeling... :) :)

M&A 6

A sip of well-made coffee always makes me happy. Coffee & conversations, is what has been doing the rounds of a lot of discussion. So, I thought why not try that.

"I think I should walk up to him and ask him, if he would come and have coffee with me in the canteen. What say?". I looked expectantly at my friend to give me an enthusiastic go ahead. But what ensued was a barrage of questions to break my superbly positive spirit down.

"Have you ever spoken to him?". "No"

"Does he know your name?" "No"

"Do you have common friends?" "No"

"How will you start the conversation?" "I will say hi, lets have coffee...no..ermm..sounds a little off, does it?" Damn!

Then she gave me that look of really now, stop-getting-desperate-it-is-just-another-guy-now look. Or at least come up with a better starting line. So I am stuck with good coffee, yet to be brewed into our conversation. Some day.

M&A 5

Hours in front of the mirror I would stand. Literally.

Should I keep my bangs on the right side or the left? Should I tie it up in a pony or should I just hold a few locks lightly, while letting the rest of the hair free? Is the blue kajal higlighting my eyes or should I make them dark with black? Is this top making me look fat or hiding those mean-never-leaving-my-sides flabs? Should I apply the muted peach on my lips or the bright and vibrant pink and red? I change the colour of my nail polish. Thrice. 

The quest for that perfect look. Every day.

Now when I think about it, I never really noticed what he wore. Not his shoes, his shirts or anything. But I would be dressed up and hoping he would compliment me, or rather notice the pains I took to look my best. Even though unlike the really awesome women like my roomie, my lipstick would hardly stay a few hours (I am exaggerating, hardly an hour!), my hair would be in disarray and as a rule my nail polish would smudge.

So, I shouldn't really bother. And he should notice me, not how I look. Right.

Let me run now. I need to get ready. I am meeting him in another 3 hours! Now what should i wear???

Epilogue

This is for you

Not the one who you have become

Only if you knew

My heart's favorite song

was the rhythm of your heart

when it held me close...

Only if you knew

Your fingers slightest touch

could make me fly

over the walls...

Only if you knew

That i desired your thoughts

More than the way you looked

or talked...

Only if you knew

You were my inspiration

Patience's personification

my own philosopher's stone...

Only if you knew

You are my master

And I your slave

in all days to come...

Only if you knew...

You would be what you were
Not what you have become

An image from my past

And I want you back

Only if you knew that...

M&A 4

Questions. So many of them.


"But why?", that's like his favorite phrase. It irks me most of the times. I react to it. I try to answer. 

"Why would you do that? Why wouldn't you try it? How do you know it is not good for you? What is good?", he would rattle these off and I would be searching for an appropriate answer. It is only then that I realise that I have not thought of most of the things I do.

I have started thinking. I have started questioning my values, beliefs & the truths I have lived all my life unflinchingly with blind faith. Yes, that's the word. Blind faith. By making me question everything, he has made me believe in him blindly. I question the thoughts in my head, thoughts that were lying dormant in my head. 

And I hope as we get more talking i would have a better answer than "I don't know. I just know that's just the way I feel about it."

He smirked again. Victory to him. Damn!

M&A 3

Matching, matching. There are signs all around.

What all nonsense I do to show a connection. Today I am wearing red, he is also wearing red. See, we are in the same mood, same wavelength. Next day, I am in white, he is in black: Opposites attract! Today I am wearing stripes, he is wearing checks: Complimentary. Yes, I know I have completely lost it. I see signs where there are none. I am looking for signs, to prove me right, to give me hope. To keep the spark glowing. 

And there, he went to have chai just as soon as I did. We are destined to meet I tell you. Or till I get some sign to say otherwise.

M&A 2

Arguments. Thats the catch word.

I can argue for hours as then I can be heard. It is fun to just disagree and continue the conversation with logical and illogical reasoning.

"There needs to be at least one person at home to look after kids", he would say, adding "I want 3 of them. 3 is perfect." So even though I am a strong believer of not working after having kids, I would still argue for the rights of a woman to work after kids. "I want only 2 kids, a girl and a boy.", I would rant away in mock indignation. "2 kids is so middle class!", he would say with that condescending smirk on his face.

Stumped. A statement that beats logic, and is purely judgmental. But still, that shows a point of view, which is better than the not ever taking a stand and being politically correct people.

M&A 1

He took my phone. Went through the images. Stopped at some for more than a second, with an impressed kind of look. Relief. But mostly he just scrolled through. And I could stare at his face. Unabashedly.

You know that feeling... The kind of perverse pleasure of watching a movie your parents don't want you to watch on mute or low volume after they have fallen asleep? Or reading a story book when you are supposed to study? That is how I felt when I could look at him for one minute straight.

But then he looked up. And i looked straight, cold, detached, an absolute lie. While he said nice pics, and my heart flew away. Jumping across the buildings and into the sea to watch the sunset, savor the last rays of the sun on my face!
And so the day was bright again!

M&A: Intro

Flutters.


Thats the feeling in my tummy when he passes by.


Did he catch me trying to look at him from the corner of my eye? Did he notice the blush that rose on my cheeks when he came and sat next to me? I could not say a word. He would have thought I am so cold. So uncool.


But what to do, whenever he speaks, my heart melts in my mouth and time stands still. I seem to have lost my tongue, and all I have is a blurred demented vision.


I will tell you the stories. Later.

A piece of me
looks for a piece of you
another piece is sleepy now.


A piece was here
in her dream world
One piece out there
wants to fight the world


Its pieces now
Not one whole me
a piece of me
searching a piece of you


Like giant jigsaw
puzzle
in all shapes and sizes
Some smoothened edges
some deepened voids


A piece of me
wants a piece of you
A piece of me
can only give a piece to you


Till then the pieces

are lying

some face up

some face down

some buried under a heap

waiting to see the light of day

or the dark moon...

A piece of me

and a piece of you

will join someday

complete the face...

Sometimes, love is not enough

i would run
across the fields
jump through the air
and fall.
Scrape my knees
and arms.
Mom would wipe 
the tears
and her hug would warm
my heart...
My palms would bleed
and leave their marks
reminding me of the mistake made...


Sometimes, love is not enough
to heal the pain
the stains still remain...


To be a doctor
was a dream i chased
for 12 years or more
and failed
in my sole attempt.
Dad gave his shoulder
for my tears
and whispered "You tried my love,
that's all that matters"
"Yes i tried and failed"
Now i search for another
mad dream to chase
a dream that makes
my waking hours bright
and life worthwhile...


Sometimes, love is not enough
to help you win
your sole childhood dream...


In my life
i saw a lot of grief
i stooped again & again
to pick up the broken pieces
and make them one.
i gathered, i tied
i held them all
and loved them
with all my heart
making them my reason
to feel alive...


Sometimes, love is not enough
to make you live


Sometimes...
love is not enough
love is just a shield
from utter loneliness
that i feel...

Knotted love

Too soon to untie

knots

and smoothen

the frayed ends...

i pick one at a time

which pulls

and stretches

the fabric of my life

and i fear it would be torn

to bits and pieces

if i tried too hard

or remain knotted forever

if i let go...

unsure

for the first time

i waver

at every step taken

and look back

for all that was wrong

search for the rights

to push me on...

its the promise

of finding you

that keeps up my will

to try and not give up

its the promise

of celebration, festival of lights

that i smile

and hold back the tears

for some other day,
some other hour...

Fanciful tale

Tinkling anklets
Instead of beating heart...
Fingers entangled
through the web of stars...
Your frown
will drown
in my endless laugh


Stars turn their face
they feel too shy
they know not why
i hold you close to my heart...


a step here, and a walk there
and we have reached where
i hear
your fears
in those empty words


Love i trust
would fill the empty bowls
and our soul
and we will have
our endless laugh
in the bed of stars...