Someone I have known for years, probably for the longest period of my conscious life, told me this: "There are lives we wish we lived and we don't".
Like a move in the game of chess. You choose your move anticipating a certain response from your opponent. You also try to anticipate a number of subsequent moves by both of you and imagine a few scenarios. Sometimes you don't make a move, because you don't think it's worth it, or you think you are gonna lose much more than gain from it. You plod on. The board seems to keep you in a positive situation, in control of any setbacks.
Life does not give you a chance like it gave to Evans in "The Butterfly Effect". You can't go back and change your moves, you can't try it out and change again to create a win-win situation for everyone. Even Evan couldn't, but he tried the best one possible.
How would I be if I had done things differently? Made different choices, or let others make different choices for me? How many infinite different worlds could i have on this day in this same world? Or would it be like a Goosebumps story book, where the routes are numerous, but the ends remain very few and finite? So, even though I would have made very different choices, I would still be where I am...
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
And she left
She would mumble in her sleep
and in her wakefulness
sometimes with anger
at others, uncomprehending emotions
Her fear for an enemy unknown...
Someone or maybe something
from the distant past
would haunt her
and it would haunt all of us
when she screamed
"They are coming to kill us! Don't leave me alone!"
Who were they?
From where would they come?
Will they come today?
Today, when the day was misty
and sun rays felt like a mother's arms
While a light wind blew
and the roads were calm.
How do i tell the world
Will i be forgiven for wishing
How much did i love her?
Left her
and in her wakefulness
sometimes with anger
at others, uncomprehending emotions
Her fear for an enemy unknown...
Someone or maybe something
from the distant past
would haunt her
and it would haunt all of us
when she screamed
"They are coming to kill us! Don't leave me alone!"
Who were they?
From where would they come?
Will they come today?
Today, when the day was misty
and sun rays felt like a mother's arms
While a light wind blew
and the roads were calm.
How do i tell her
the one who gave me birth
that she needs to go
to wash her hands
after she spilled her food
when they were coming
the ones i could not see
or hear their words...
How do i tell the world
that i am tired of taking care
and now would love
to be the one taken care of?
Will i be forgiven for wishing
for my release
when i asked to be freed of her?
Would my care be questioned
or will my sigh of relief
be understood for what it was?
or was not?
How much did i love her?
Oh yes I loved her
But could not take her pain away
I saw her decay slowly
like a prisoner in her body's cage
Till the final breath had left her...
Left her
and left me to myself
as the night seemed to fade...
Sunday, December 19, 2010
The Evil One
Yes. The evil evil one.
The one who gives you the bitter truth.
The one who says goodbye, because it is the best for you.
The one who has to be mean and relentless, without a heart, so that your heart does not break again.
The one who will tell you, you are a spade, not because you should remain one or feel bad about being one, but because it knows you can be so much more if you would try a little harder than today.
The one who is the bitter medicine for the cure of immeasurable illnesses.
The one who becomes the hated one for not saying a yes to whatever you say.
The one who is truly your friend, who loves you with your mistakes, who judges you before the world gets a chance to do so, guards you from the pain that you might face, who is there not only when you need it but also when you don't know that you do need it.
Thats the evil one. The one you love to hate.
The one who gives you the bitter truth.
The one who says goodbye, because it is the best for you.
The one who has to be mean and relentless, without a heart, so that your heart does not break again.
The one who will tell you, you are a spade, not because you should remain one or feel bad about being one, but because it knows you can be so much more if you would try a little harder than today.
The one who is the bitter medicine for the cure of immeasurable illnesses.
The one who becomes the hated one for not saying a yes to whatever you say.
The one who is truly your friend, who loves you with your mistakes, who judges you before the world gets a chance to do so, guards you from the pain that you might face, who is there not only when you need it but also when you don't know that you do need it.
Thats the evil one. The one you love to hate.
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
Another tale
She's so in love with me, she doesn't know anything.
That's why she is in love with me.
~ Haruki Murakami
Where were we? Yes right there. Hiding behind disguises. Till the breeze would draw apart the veil from the eyes. After all how would a blind person miss the colours which he can't see. Till the cloud would hide the strength of the burning sun. And how would anyone miss the warmth, when they can feel only the cold wind...
But the mirror does not hide the truth. And it did not hide it from her.
So when he came and smiled at her, she let go of the disguise.
"I love you"... trailing off
"Good thing." With a full stop.
No love no glory, no hero in her sky.
Not refusal. Just acceptance but with a sealed future. A future which has him and her, but not them. And there the tale ends.
That's why she is in love with me.
~ Haruki Murakami
Where were we? Yes right there. Hiding behind disguises. Till the breeze would draw apart the veil from the eyes. After all how would a blind person miss the colours which he can't see. Till the cloud would hide the strength of the burning sun. And how would anyone miss the warmth, when they can feel only the cold wind...
But the mirror does not hide the truth. And it did not hide it from her.
So when he came and smiled at her, she let go of the disguise.
"I love you"... trailing off
"Good thing." With a full stop.
No love no glory, no hero in her sky.
Not refusal. Just acceptance but with a sealed future. A future which has him and her, but not them. And there the tale ends.
Friday, November 26, 2010
Drunken Love
Drunken
the cup of love
and shoved it up
my own throat
till there could be no more
drops
Love
is to lose control
to let go
of your thoughts
of the rules
and let yourself flow
so drunk we are
i lose my words
Drunken
in a dead stupor
i walk
right into his arms
i jump
without a care of where
i would finally fall
if i have his hands
in mine
and he is by my side
Love
the short breaths
the long gasps
like a queen
in a trance
dancing the final dance
while he is the rhythm
of my beating heart
Drunken
in Love
i'm piling up
the stolen stars
we picked up on our
rendezvous
when the roads were bad
and the sky was true
and he was there
to fly me through
Love
this Drunkenness
and all the fun
of my wild run
into the lion's den
i rushed
and made a home
in wilderness
where love is true
and drunken too...
the cup of love
and shoved it up
my own throat
till there could be no more
drops
Love
is to lose control
to let go
of your thoughts
of the rules
and let yourself flow
so drunk we are
i lose my words
Drunken
in a dead stupor
i walk
right into his arms
i jump
without a care of where
i would finally fall
if i have his hands
in mine
and he is by my side
Love
the short breaths
the long gasps
like a queen
in a trance
dancing the final dance
while he is the rhythm
of my beating heart
Drunken
in Love
i'm piling up
the stolen stars
we picked up on our
rendezvous
when the roads were bad
and the sky was true
and he was there
to fly me through
Love
this Drunkenness
and all the fun
of my wild run
into the lion's den
i rushed
and made a home
in wilderness
where love is true
and drunken too...
Thursday, November 25, 2010
Best Friend Fights
When I think Best friend, the name & the face changes according to my age and the place I would be in. Different people have had that tag, and are now named as my best friend from Rourkela,from Durgapur, from Delhi, from MICA, from Mumbai, from office, from hostel..and so on. Even in those lists there are hierarchies. Like some are the bestest of the lot. So what happens when you fight with one of the "best" ones?
Do we fight on life changing issues? Never. It is always something really silly, but there is a lot of hurt involved, because of the "how could she not understand this would hurt me" syndrome.
And when that happens there are certain rules, that are followed. Always.
1. Never talk about it to your boyfriend or your mother. There is an underlying power play at all times between your best friend and your boy friend or your mother. This would be the time, when the power play will have a winner. Trust me, you wouldn't want a winner in that, especially after your anger has calmed down and you don't really want to hear "I told you so!"
2. Never talk with the closest next best friend, who the best friend knows. They will try to play mediator, and it would look like a breach of trust.
"How could she tell J about our fight? So, now J is closer to her than me!"
Long cold war will ensue.
3. Don't try and send text or e-mail messages to put your point across. Each and every syllable would be replied to with sound logic, thought over after reading, re-reading and consulting. And you would realise, how many different perspectives the same word would take.
"When I wrote 'That was mean', I did not say 'mean' as in horrid person, but 'mean' as in something that hurt me."
It will take you forever to get the word's meanings and perspectives on the same plane.
4. There is bound to be huge ego clashes.
"She slammed the door on my face, she has to come & talk"
"She did not even try to calm me down. She just coldly stayed in her room".
Wait for them to subside. They eventually do.
5. Talk only to strangers who have no possibility of knowing your best friend or ever meeting her. Or who have the shortest memory. Fights should never be retold by a 3rd person. Leads to worse fights.
I don't know about others, but my fights usually ends when i hug her, or do something nice for her, or just go and talk about completely non-related stuff. Its like saying I am sorry, but not really saying it. By opening communication and taking the first step and saying lets move on. And the best part is,when my best friend understands and accepts this as the apology and life moves on again and we are back to being the closest ones. And life is beautiful & happy again.
Do we fight on life changing issues? Never. It is always something really silly, but there is a lot of hurt involved, because of the "how could she not understand this would hurt me" syndrome.
And when that happens there are certain rules, that are followed. Always.
1. Never talk about it to your boyfriend or your mother. There is an underlying power play at all times between your best friend and your boy friend or your mother. This would be the time, when the power play will have a winner. Trust me, you wouldn't want a winner in that, especially after your anger has calmed down and you don't really want to hear "I told you so!"
2. Never talk with the closest next best friend, who the best friend knows. They will try to play mediator, and it would look like a breach of trust.
"How could she tell J about our fight? So, now J is closer to her than me!"
Long cold war will ensue.
3. Don't try and send text or e-mail messages to put your point across. Each and every syllable would be replied to with sound logic, thought over after reading, re-reading and consulting. And you would realise, how many different perspectives the same word would take.
"When I wrote 'That was mean', I did not say 'mean' as in horrid person, but 'mean' as in something that hurt me."
It will take you forever to get the word's meanings and perspectives on the same plane.
4. There is bound to be huge ego clashes.
"She slammed the door on my face, she has to come & talk"
"She did not even try to calm me down. She just coldly stayed in her room".
Wait for them to subside. They eventually do.
5. Talk only to strangers who have no possibility of knowing your best friend or ever meeting her. Or who have the shortest memory. Fights should never be retold by a 3rd person. Leads to worse fights.
I don't know about others, but my fights usually ends when i hug her, or do something nice for her, or just go and talk about completely non-related stuff. Its like saying I am sorry, but not really saying it. By opening communication and taking the first step and saying lets move on. And the best part is,when my best friend understands and accepts this as the apology and life moves on again and we are back to being the closest ones. And life is beautiful & happy again.
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Signify what?
Every time I look at my triple ring earrings, I can only think of gyroscope and the guy who took away the magical delicate feeling from my trinket and brought physics into it.
There are a few sarees that my mom wears, which I can't ever let anyone else wear, as they are somehow typically my mom's. It has her colour, her smell, her individuality woven into each and every thread. It looks foreign and odd on anyone else.
Euphoria's Ab na jaa, is the most played song on my i-pod, which I would sing to myself as I would walk the roads of MICA on endless nights and wish for that someone to stay with me. Even now when I look at that song name on my playlist, I can't help but get reminded about that person...
Kabhi Neem Neem song would bring the bengal beauty's voice into my ears and I would dwell on the times when we used to sing like crazy and entertain people with Pyaar aaya pyaar aaya encore with choreographed Priyanka Chopra dance.
December and depression, always hand in hand.Some of the best beginnings and some of the worst ends happened simultaneously.
Some streets, some movie, some particular scene, some special food,some restaurants, some specific phrases...I have held on to them.They signify something, someone. People forget. People remember the important life changing moments, i cherish and live the smallest ones and maybe that is why I can never forget anyone...
There are a few sarees that my mom wears, which I can't ever let anyone else wear, as they are somehow typically my mom's. It has her colour, her smell, her individuality woven into each and every thread. It looks foreign and odd on anyone else.
Euphoria's Ab na jaa, is the most played song on my i-pod, which I would sing to myself as I would walk the roads of MICA on endless nights and wish for that someone to stay with me. Even now when I look at that song name on my playlist, I can't help but get reminded about that person...
Kabhi Neem Neem song would bring the bengal beauty's voice into my ears and I would dwell on the times when we used to sing like crazy and entertain people with Pyaar aaya pyaar aaya encore with choreographed Priyanka Chopra dance.
December and depression, always hand in hand.Some of the best beginnings and some of the worst ends happened simultaneously.
Some streets, some movie, some particular scene, some special food,some restaurants, some specific phrases...I have held on to them.They signify something, someone. People forget. People remember the important life changing moments, i cherish and live the smallest ones and maybe that is why I can never forget anyone...
Thursday, November 11, 2010
Free Bird
That night
No guile
And i believed him
I believed him
I believed him
And yet
And now
he was not what
he thought he would be
No guile
was felt in the words
he whispered in my ears
And i believed him
I believed him
even though he broke my heart
and never turned to look back
I believed him
even though those were words
And he never seemed to be true to that
And yet
my heart feels lighter
my excuses brighter
I feel I have lived my part
And now
the wings are free
And I fly like I can reach the stars...
PM: New Love
I knew this would happen, but I thought it would take a few months. But things don't happen that way with me. Do they?
So we got talking and once while returning from lunch, he makes a comment, "Nice b***!". And no, he is not walking behind me, so obviously it is not my posterior which is getting complimented. As if my hearing that comment was not enough, it is followed by a "Don't you think so?". So now I have to be a part of this scanning program. And I join in. Quite enthusiastically.
So now, we are girl watch buddies. If he does not point it out to me, I point it out to him. We share stats and record new faces. And I am sure someday he will come up to me to tell me that he is in love with one of those "Hot" girls, and I would be his helper in his quest. His accomplice.
But sometimes, it just happens, that you care for the person and it does not matter if they care for you or not. You are just there for them. Almost unconditionally. And I was there. I guess I will always be there.
So we got talking and once while returning from lunch, he makes a comment, "Nice b***!". And no, he is not walking behind me, so obviously it is not my posterior which is getting complimented. As if my hearing that comment was not enough, it is followed by a "Don't you think so?". So now I have to be a part of this scanning program. And I join in. Quite enthusiastically.
So now, we are girl watch buddies. If he does not point it out to me, I point it out to him. We share stats and record new faces. And I am sure someday he will come up to me to tell me that he is in love with one of those "Hot" girls, and I would be his helper in his quest. His accomplice.
But sometimes, it just happens, that you care for the person and it does not matter if they care for you or not. You are just there for them. Almost unconditionally. And I was there. I guess I will always be there.
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
PM: The next step
So yes, this friend of mine wanted me to name the M&A blogs AM to symbolise what happened in the day and PM, as what happened later...but well, as nothing was happening later, so I stuck to M&A.
All that has changed. We talked. But something remained the same as before. Nothing really happened. So now we are friends.
Like all the other nice guys I have doted on, this one became a "good friend" (one tight slap to the one who created this word. Loser.)
The thing is that, I don't fall in the "Hot & Happening" "Eye candy" category, nor am I the "Sophisticated one". I am just plain cute and to some extent mischievous, and more like the "guys". Oh I so want to be a "girl"! *pouted face*
So now I feel the flutters come and go, but I am calmer and decently well behaved and don't jump up and down when he passes by me.
The stories, later.
All that has changed. We talked. But something remained the same as before. Nothing really happened. So now we are friends.
Like all the other nice guys I have doted on, this one became a "good friend" (one tight slap to the one who created this word. Loser.)
The thing is that, I don't fall in the "Hot & Happening" "Eye candy" category, nor am I the "Sophisticated one". I am just plain cute and to some extent mischievous, and more like the "guys". Oh I so want to be a "girl"! *pouted face*
So now I feel the flutters come and go, but I am calmer and decently well behaved and don't jump up and down when he passes by me.
The stories, later.
Monday, November 8, 2010
True
I love you
Even when I am tired
And want to throw in the towel
When I look out
At the smart, witty joker
Or the suave sexy guy
When I get compliments
from strangers
And friends from days far
When my day is bad
And the night does not
seem to end
I love you
For reason unknown
For knowing you are you
Not some mirage
For being a friend
a lover
And everything in between
For saying the truth
And not some made up lies
to please me for a moment
But standing by
When the world passed by
I love you
And someday you would know
And not ask me why
And not ask me to prove
what I feel for you...
I love you
I just do.
Even when I am tired
And want to throw in the towel
When I look out
At the smart, witty joker
Or the suave sexy guy
When I get compliments
from strangers
And friends from days far
When my day is bad
And the night does not
seem to end
I love you
For reason unknown
For knowing you are you
Not some mirage
For being a friend
a lover
And everything in between
For saying the truth
And not some made up lies
to please me for a moment
But standing by
When the world passed by
I love you
And someday you would know
And not ask me why
And not ask me to prove
what I feel for you...
I love you
I just do.
M&A 7
I got a feeling, that tonight's gonna be a good night!
Guess what, I am standing in the queue to the lift [yes, nowadays we have a long queue because of the stupid 7,8,9 floors people who have crowded our not so crowded office building x( ]. But today I am not grumpy with them. Because, he was standing a little ahead of me in the queue, which in my morning hassled mood I did not notice, till I got into the lift and looked up, to see him right there!
My defensive armour took over in a split second and I looked away into the closing door. 30 seconds of close proximity. For the 1st time I did not mind the lift stopping at all random floors. I would rather have it stop at each floor, than get me out fast. Finally my floor came, and I stepped out confidently, urging myself to not look back. And I didn't. Till I beeped my card. And when I turned he was still looking at me!
I got a feeling, a feeling, a feeling, feeling, feeling... :) :)
Guess what, I am standing in the queue to the lift [yes, nowadays we have a long queue because of the stupid 7,8,9 floors people who have crowded our not so crowded office building x( ]. But today I am not grumpy with them. Because, he was standing a little ahead of me in the queue, which in my morning hassled mood I did not notice, till I got into the lift and looked up, to see him right there!
My defensive armour took over in a split second and I looked away into the closing door. 30 seconds of close proximity. For the 1st time I did not mind the lift stopping at all random floors. I would rather have it stop at each floor, than get me out fast. Finally my floor came, and I stepped out confidently, urging myself to not look back. And I didn't. Till I beeped my card. And when I turned he was still looking at me!
I got a feeling, a feeling, a feeling, feeling, feeling... :) :)
Sunday, November 7, 2010
M&A 6
A sip of well-made coffee always makes me happy. Coffee & conversations, is what has been doing the rounds of a lot of discussion. So, I thought why not try that.
"I think I should walk up to him and ask him, if he would come and have coffee with me in the canteen. What say?". I looked expectantly at my friend to give me an enthusiastic go ahead. But what ensued was a barrage of questions to break my superbly positive spirit down.
"Have you ever spoken to him?". "No"
"Does he know your name?" "No"
"Do you have common friends?" "No"
"How will you start the conversation?" "I will say hi, lets have coffee...no..ermm..sounds a little off, does it?" Damn!
Then she gave me that look of really now, stop-getting-desperate-it-is-just-another-guy-now look. Or at least come up with a better starting line. So I am stuck with good coffee, yet to be brewed into our conversation. Some day.
"I think I should walk up to him and ask him, if he would come and have coffee with me in the canteen. What say?". I looked expectantly at my friend to give me an enthusiastic go ahead. But what ensued was a barrage of questions to break my superbly positive spirit down.
"Have you ever spoken to him?". "No"
"Does he know your name?" "No"
"Do you have common friends?" "No"
"How will you start the conversation?" "I will say hi, lets have coffee...no..ermm..sounds a little off, does it?" Damn!
Then she gave me that look of really now, stop-getting-desperate-it-is-just-another-guy-now look. Or at least come up with a better starting line. So I am stuck with good coffee, yet to be brewed into our conversation. Some day.
Saturday, November 6, 2010
M&A 5
Hours in front of the mirror I would stand. Literally.
Should I keep my bangs on the right side or the left? Should I tie it up in a pony or should I just hold a few locks lightly, while letting the rest of the hair free? Is the blue kajal higlighting my eyes or should I make them dark with black? Is this top making me look fat or hiding those mean-never-leaving-my-sides flabs? Should I apply the muted peach on my lips or the bright and vibrant pink and red? I change the colour of my nail polish. Thrice.
The quest for that perfect look. Every day.
Now when I think about it, I never really noticed what he wore. Not his shoes, his shirts or anything. But I would be dressed up and hoping he would compliment me, or rather notice the pains I took to look my best. Even though unlike the really awesome women like my roomie, my lipstick would hardly stay a few hours (I am exaggerating, hardly an hour!), my hair would be in disarray and as a rule my nail polish would smudge.
So, I shouldn't really bother. And he should notice me, not how I look. Right.
Let me run now. I need to get ready. I am meeting him in another 3 hours! Now what should i wear???
Should I keep my bangs on the right side or the left? Should I tie it up in a pony or should I just hold a few locks lightly, while letting the rest of the hair free? Is the blue kajal higlighting my eyes or should I make them dark with black? Is this top making me look fat or hiding those mean-never-leaving-my-sides flabs? Should I apply the muted peach on my lips or the bright and vibrant pink and red? I change the colour of my nail polish. Thrice.
The quest for that perfect look. Every day.
Now when I think about it, I never really noticed what he wore. Not his shoes, his shirts or anything. But I would be dressed up and hoping he would compliment me, or rather notice the pains I took to look my best. Even though unlike the really awesome women like my roomie, my lipstick would hardly stay a few hours (I am exaggerating, hardly an hour!), my hair would be in disarray and as a rule my nail polish would smudge.
So, I shouldn't really bother. And he should notice me, not how I look. Right.
Let me run now. I need to get ready. I am meeting him in another 3 hours! Now what should i wear???
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)