The night

the night has come
in its inevitable way
closing in on the heart...
and words are but crutches
to hold the broken parts

we speak with the tongue
but the hearts are numb
we speak, words are polite,
in silence the chill is felt
of the love long lost...

the same warm heart
is cold with desperation
the long unending arms
reminds of separation;
of one who was to be forever...

And yet, we refuse to move on
and give love a chance
And yet, we still call 'us' friends
when we have turned strangers
caged in our own worlds

Do i give in to show my bruises?
or stay stoic and calm?
Do i share the anger, the pain,
Or look ahead, and considered vain
by those who never understand?

the night has come
and i stay awake
closing my heart from all...
and words are but crutches
to hold the broken parts...

Unfinished talk...

You see the smile, the effervescent laugh
the warmth of a hundred hearts
and miss the mist behind the eyes

You see the showers of love, in the arms of beautiful people
having the pleasures of life
not the longing of the fire crushed within

You see the pride, the unflinching confidence
the arrogance of unwavering faith
but miss the heart’s childlike innocence

Sometimes, it is too late
to look back and start afresh…
The moment no more awaits
another chance to express
the words that is now lost…

So many missed glances
of warmth and love
So many stories of lost chances
of thawing the coldest vibe
and lost is the ground for truce

And here we are
like rivers moving in different direction
starting from the same mountain
reaching for the same sea
but never to mingle together as one…

Blessed me...

In love,
this world is a blur,
our moment is longer,
while hours slip by...
That moment,
when the tips of your fingers
brushed against mine
and sent a shiver up my spine...


You moved,
your face an inch closer
an inch away from mine
letting our breath do all the talk...
And smiled,
through your deep stormy eyes
i could see no more
till there was nothing more to hide...


With you,
i know of no other
i feel no other
it is just you and me...
This world,
is just a habit to follow and be a part of
while I am a part of you and you of mine
in our parallel universe...


It is here,
we meet and share our soul
intertwined within our arms and feet
and let it break free from the shackles
Of rituals,
of fake love, faker relationships
and become a moment
that lasts an eternity...

Friendship and Love

It took me some time to get my thoughts together on this, although the feeling has been around for a while. Yesterday when S spoke with me on her birthday, she put it in a very straight forward way when she said, "You are the only person I know who has not changed her priorities of people in her life after marriage. It does not revolve around that ONE man alone."

I was happy at least one more person has felt the change in relationships as I have. People fall in love and the entire world is only that one person. They are ready to change everything and everyone in their lives according to that one person. It is not like I am not in love with the man in my life, but I am in love with my friends as well.

9 years of friendship, sometimes decades of friendship, sometimes the deepest of friendship I have ever had in my conscious life just disappeared. And to say the least, I have felt cheated.
It is easier with a love relationship to say break up, but how do you "un-friend" someone. Especially when you have invested so much time, effort, emotions, love, trust everything to it. For me friendship is way higher than love. And when it comes to me, I have always been the one to call, always been the one to be there for every important occasion and the worst days. I have overlooked flaws, but how can I overlook being relegated to a mere name in the facebook or phonebook?

And for long, I carried on holding them the way they were for me earlier. Giving my 200%, only to realise I am an outsider in their lives and have no rights over them. My intentions was love and concern, but was termed something else. I became manipulative, fake, different coz I spoke the truth and said what I felt, like always.


I was hurt. And like I read somewhere very recently: Sometimes it sucks to be strong, because when people know that you are strong, they think it is okay to hurt you again and again. And I had nowhere to go, coz you don't bitch about friends. That's like breaking the ultimate law.

And then A spoke with me. He said it simply - you are overlooking the people who are there for the people who have left you, who don't even know what you are going through and more importantly don't even care to find out.  Before loving them, love yourself. They are living their lives, while you have stopped living yours for them.

I always thought friendships are forever, but they are not. People who end up sucking the last ounce of happiness from me, the door is that way. I kept giving chances, but well you are not worth another chance. I wish you all happiness in your life, but my values, my dreams, my life will not have trash from you. 

Now I am free from you.

Temptations...

To know

you are loved

And yet

to live without accepting that

To be held,

felt with passion

And yet

to not respond back

To have

a lover’s entwining arms

And yet

to be aloof of that

To be touched,

caressed as the precious one

And yet

to hold your urge back

To be the one

who was to be the life partner

And yet

to be the one who never was

To be there

with everyone

And yet

to wish for that silent back...

On a day like today

In a whirlwind

As we swooped, swirled

And moved beyond

The stars beckoned

“come and make this

Your new world”

A world created

On the back of tears,

Laughs, and on changing lives

of people unknown and near…

The one who was close

Burnt my soul

Broke me into pieces of dirt

The one unknown

Blessed that broken heart

To be fooled

And love the one who does not

And not know the one who does

Bend and pick up the unfinished

Pieces and build

Again what was destroyed…

And move on the path of right

Even when wronged…

That’s our life

Or something like that...

To you and you and you all

To you, who has disappeared

From my everyday life…

Soul sisters, lovebirds,

Friends from a different time;

Who does not call, or take my call;

Who believes silence is better than talks…

To you, who stabbed me with words

Of hatred and fake love

Of betrayal and false promises all

With conditions attached…

Who left at the first challenge

That broke us apart…

To you, who wanted to be understood

But never understanding…

Who wanted to be loved

But never loving …

Who wanted to possess me

Own me, show me as their catch…

Does it gladden you

to see my wringing heart?

to see me beaten down

with my broken dreams

and you a thing of past?

to see me turn faithless

cynical, with a no entry wall?

To you, and you and you

Take it all,

Take it and live in your happy world...

While i wait,

For my eyes to close

the doors of my heart...

Tempestuous

It all fell apart
with one angry word

Immature and small
Or so i was told

Never rational caring or humane
Just some angry fireball

Impulsive, re...
the list goes on

These are my laurels
my faults on display
In this public world

Wavering sanity,
i had a free fall

The tempest has passed
A calmness prevails
Over my wrecked world...

Bed-time tales

Sheets of love
and muffled words
blend into the square form
and its limitations

The longing arms
caress that slight dent
on the mattress
to find someone

And ache in its absence

Yes, you were here
somewhere
says those fingertips
which felt your breath that day

And now lies numb & dead

Come back here.
That dent fits well with you
like cinderella's shoes
would do

And so would the arms
that long for you...

And i shall not speak

My words

don't speak what

my mind says

The rational & caring words

turn

Irrational and hard

And i am left

to deal the blow

and deal with the blow returned

And you don't stand by me

but leave me alone

with your rational, conditional love

You judge & weigh

And do the "right" thing

rather than the blind one

I am the Duryodhana

With no Dhritarashtra

to love me back

So now I shall not speak

I will let things happen

I shall not be the villain

anymore

I shall not die blow by blow

I relinquish my throne

to you and everyone

Adieu-less

The curtains were flapping silently in the room while the fan whirred and whirred. 

There were a mixture of noises in the background: clanking of the utensils, splashing of water & a pressure cooker's whistle with the steam sputtering out. 

The rush of people getting ready to go to office could be seen with a car moving out of the compound every other minute. The honking of numerous cars on the roads, the revving of bikes and the screeching horns of autos while they tried to get through every small space available on the road.

And she was sitting there holding the wet towel that had been thrown away in haste & anger. The cold wet towel was getting soaked more and more with the hot tears which kept welling up every now and then. A sob would suddenly escape and make the curtains aware of her presence. Why could she not get him back?

Trying to hold on to him through remnants of unfinished talks on the pillow case. They had heard her whispers while her words fell on those un-hearing ears while he acted as if he was asleep. Picking up the newspaper left near the bathroom sink to read what he might have read. The cereal box remained at the dining table and so was the carton of milk. The lunch box of yesterday was looking out to be cleaned.

But he had left. Without a word. The heaviness of her heart made it difficult to breathe. Like something was clamping down her soul. But it was like a mirage, slipped through her fingers when she thought she had held it with her heart.

And what was left behind was only a shadow of the shadow.

Snapshot

Unending banter

One after the other

talks & longer talks

but no information unfold...

Laughter breaking

the monotony

of the same old

same old life...

Freezing of time

fleeting glimpses

of the bygone

the one to have lived for...

And then roll back

to the mundane

but with that smile

and a hidden spark...

The day of freedom

is not too far

not too far anymore...

Yes we were there
again...

when i smiled
coz i could feel the curves
of your lips
form into a crescent moon
when you shared your joy
with veiled suspense

when i felt
your spirit filled with hope,
love and trust
to give it a chance
and make life colourful
with shades of bliss, fate & game

when i knew
you are with that someone
you were destined to be
not a stop-over
but the final train

Yes, we were there again
Where we were friends first
and friends till the end

Dreams or something else...

To wake up in a sudden abrupt way and being wide wake in less than a second.

A cold sweat down the back of your neck, shivery palms & dried parched mouth.

That unsettling feeling that something isn't right. Peering into the unfazed & sleeping face next to you, which lies undisturbed, unaware of your fear.

That acute sense of complete loneliness. That need of mom's warmth. To tell you 'darling it was just a bad dream, you see I am there with you.'

The loneliness of wakefulness and the dark fear of sleep & the return of the scenes leaves you restless.

And you are just in limbo, unable to move or keep still...