and there he left again..
the he changes,
but leaving continues...
to love and define
to care and cry
to hold but not too tight
numb and frozen
hurt? whats that?
just rambling on...
words have no meaning left
alphabets with no thoughts
the walls are growing stronger
a fortress of isolation
i sit here
life moves on....
Friday, July 3, 2009
Metamorphosis...long back...
A hush in the room
Broken by the jingle
Bangles dancing, anklets tinkling,
The dawn was breaking.
Smeared kumkum, droopy eyes;
Like rising sun across the sky
Rumpled sari, entangled rings
Waking up, to feel her dream.
Hair cascading, dark and long
Scented jasmine on the floor.
Her man beside her
A smile on his lips.
The cool water, running down
Recalled her senses: it's THEIR room.
The mirror had changed her world around
Was once a girl, now a woman had born.
Broken by the jingle
Bangles dancing, anklets tinkling,
The dawn was breaking.
Smeared kumkum, droopy eyes;
Like rising sun across the sky
Rumpled sari, entangled rings
Waking up, to feel her dream.
Hair cascading, dark and long
Scented jasmine on the floor.
Her man beside her
A smile on his lips.
The cool water, running down
Recalled her senses: it's THEIR room.
The mirror had changed her world around
Was once a girl, now a woman had born.
Not now! Not here!
Intense, so deep…
Hey you! Stop there!
No more, no more
My heart can bear.
Don't pull, it pains
My soul is chained
Enough! I said
I am no slave.
I played, I know
I wronged, accept
Guilty of crime
My life is gone.
Stab me to death
Remove my shame
My tears don't fall
They drown my soul
I gasp for breath
It burns, it breaks
I shiver, I cry
But where to go?
Release, don't stay
This cage do break
No more I said
No more to bear…
Intense, so deep…
Hey you! Stop there!
No more, no more
My heart can bear.
Don't pull, it pains
My soul is chained
Enough! I said
I am no slave.
I played, I know
I wronged, accept
Guilty of crime
My life is gone.
Stab me to death
Remove my shame
My tears don't fall
They drown my soul
I gasp for breath
It burns, it breaks
I shiver, I cry
But where to go?
Release, don't stay
This cage do break
No more I said
No more to bear…
Kavitha...
was it the eyes?
the deep dark ones..
was it the smile?
that was pure radiance..
was it the laugh?
childish innocence..
was it the glance?
shy yet piercing...
was it the never ending
chatter? like rippling waves..
was it those large tears?
soaking the heart with pain..
was it this or that?
that made me love you
more and more
now n forever...
Sunday, June 28, 2009
So it was…
As a poem written
And forgotten
Fought over with passion
And emotion
And left unsung…
Musings of an evening
A long walk
A ringing laughter
Few children’s song
Warm cups of coffee
Of smiles galore
And a flurry of unopened pages
Fly through…
An autumn wind
Blew it all
Baring the tree, left its
Barren soul…
Tall and stern
A paradise lost
And regained…
(Or so it thought)
With its mighty fall…
As summer came
It felt its loss
A hollow case
Resides its heart
And feels the pain
A paradise held
And lost again…
Broken
Clinks of ice filled glasses
Danced through
Danced with me
As I was dancing with the
Soaring waves on the shore…
Cry now not and tears
Don’t splash…
Let it go and it shall go from you
Like empty glasses on a shelf
Of a half closed bar…
Night was passing
Slowly into dawn’s arms
And here i was
Splayed on the cold floor
A blur of it all…
Broken.
pushed to the wall..
It was a blur…
A blur after all…
Danced through
Danced with me
As I was dancing with the
Soaring waves on the shore…
Cry now not and tears
Don’t splash…
Let it go and it shall go from you
Like empty glasses on a shelf
Of a half closed bar…
Night was passing
Slowly into dawn’s arms
And here i was
Splayed on the cold floor
A blur of it all…
Broken.
pushed to the wall..
It was a blur…
A blur after all…
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because it was playing tic-tac-toe
When it found the traffic light green
And there was a zebra crossing
“But why should zebras have all the fun?”
And that was how the rebel was born.
Across the road it saw Santa Banta fight
One global man, one local drink
The kings of jokes and Happy times
“To rule the country was their birth right???”
It wanted to bridge the gap ensuing
But London Bridge was falling down
Falling down, falling down.
It was the country’s future’s stake
And not some Punjabi jokes to play
It drank the Banta from the MH gate
And sang to Santa the carols eight
Decided it was time to take the plunge
And there we hear the revolution song.
The chicken did not chicken out
It crossed the road and shouted loud.
“I am the cousin of Chicken Singh”
And we all know that Singh is King
It drew the drums and lollipops
And wings of flesh, tandoori rocks
Its eyes were blue and lovely too
Pink Chaddi’s pet, now you know who?
The hens were shocked
Cocks’ heads were down.
The Chicken crossed the road that day
And that is where the story stays.
Because it was playing tic-tac-toe
When it found the traffic light green
And there was a zebra crossing
“But why should zebras have all the fun?”
And that was how the rebel was born.
Across the road it saw Santa Banta fight
One global man, one local drink
The kings of jokes and Happy times
“To rule the country was their birth right???”
It wanted to bridge the gap ensuing
But London Bridge was falling down
Falling down, falling down.
It was the country’s future’s stake
And not some Punjabi jokes to play
It drank the Banta from the MH gate
And sang to Santa the carols eight
Decided it was time to take the plunge
And there we hear the revolution song.
The chicken did not chicken out
It crossed the road and shouted loud.
“I am the cousin of Chicken Singh”
And we all know that Singh is King
It drew the drums and lollipops
And wings of flesh, tandoori rocks
Its eyes were blue and lovely too
Pink Chaddi’s pet, now you know who?
The hens were shocked
Cocks’ heads were down.
The Chicken crossed the road that day
And that is where the story stays.
Friday, June 12, 2009
Diet fight
Conversation 1:
M: What did u have for dinner?
A: Fish curry
M: What with fish?
A: Err...fish...
M: (Long silence) Translation:What happened to all the days of nice rice with fish!! All my years of feeding her gone waste!
Conversation 2:
K: "she is on a strict diet"
R: "Health tips!...diets are bad!"
A: "I EAT!"
Comments previously:
M: you are getting so fat!
K: Once in job you will start gymming (FORESIGHT!)
R: You want to lose weight...then do something about it!
X,Y,Z,L,M,N,O,P: you have added SO much weight! (rolling eyeballs and shocked expressions!)
People diet. i question not.
People eat. i watch the show.
People follow religion.
i like my unsure tag.
People are people after all.
Angry. tired of justifications.
of rejecting temptations.
when i follow they push away.
and if i don't they laugh n smirk.
People are people after all.
Why do you follow your faith?
Why do you not eat flesh?
Why do you like the guitar?
Why wait for the marriage bells?
Justify. Explain.
I fight for the simplest thing.
Not for them but for me.
And yet i cant fight back at times.
They push me and i push back.
One against them all.
People are people after all.
M: What did u have for dinner?
A: Fish curry
M: What with fish?
A: Err...fish...
M: (Long silence) Translation:What happened to all the days of nice rice with fish!! All my years of feeding her gone waste!
Conversation 2:
K: "she is on a strict diet"
R: "Health tips!...diets are bad!"
A: "I EAT!"
Comments previously:
M: you are getting so fat!
K: Once in job you will start gymming (FORESIGHT!)
R: You want to lose weight...then do something about it!
X,Y,Z,L,M,N,O,P: you have added SO much weight! (rolling eyeballs and shocked expressions!)
People diet. i question not.
People eat. i watch the show.
People follow religion.
i like my unsure tag.
People are people after all.
Angry. tired of justifications.
of rejecting temptations.
when i follow they push away.
and if i don't they laugh n smirk.
People are people after all.
Why do you follow your faith?
Why do you not eat flesh?
Why do you like the guitar?
Why wait for the marriage bells?
Justify. Explain.
I fight for the simplest thing.
Not for them but for me.
And yet i cant fight back at times.
They push me and i push back.
One against them all.
People are people after all.
Monday, December 29, 2008
Time lines of change
I was always taken to those weddings and social get-togethers where my parents were invited. I would not be having my friends and at times no children in the party. My Big B could avoid it by simply saying a no, and he being a big boy could stay alone.
I liked to dress up. Wear those new frocks my aunt would have sent from America. To comb my short thin hair and put 2 red bow shaped clips on both sides. Putting a red bindi and lots of powder on my face.
I enjoyed the attention the uncles and aunties would give me. "Which class are you in?" "Which school?" "Oh, you have grown tall. I knew you when you were just six months old."
I loved people. Simply liked to be part of a bustling crowd, liked to be known, seen, heard by all. I would sing without hesitation. And accept the adulation and praise without a question.
And here I am today. Wearing a t-shirt which says "The more people i meet, the more i love my dog".
Cynical. Trying to see the words through different layered lenses. That guy is such a chauvinist creature. She speaks words she has no understanding of. Do not believe those words, it is only a way to sweet talk.
The trust, the simple joy of having people around you lost somewhere. From birthdays with the whole class being invited to a birthday spent quietly with a select few. From going home for holidays and spending time with the zillion of relatives to spending it alone with myself.
Sunday, December 28, 2008
Threshold View
I saw a path down the red brown bricks
A call saying “Come along with me”
The shrubs changed to trees
The flowers transforming twigs
Sometimes narrow, sometimes opening deep
I walked by the herds of sheep.
I thought I knew those lanes by now
By-lanes crept up unknown unseen
I halted, took a break from it
To enquire from the herdsmen’s chiefs
What path did they see?
They knew no path
Just walked and walked
They chose the trail
With the greener grass
The grass was green in bits and parts
Which was my bit, which part was that?
The call was faint, the mist grew thick
I took the first step
I heard my heart beat
I guess this is it, I hope I am there
Where I wanted to Be…
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
Thunderbolt
A thunderbolt flashed across the orange hued sky, breaking through the stillness of the air pregnant with unfallen rain drops.
The noise was sudden.
Alarming
Yet, something that was not unexpected.
Faster footsteps went on around me as i lay there numb and motionless. The same feet, interspersed with a few new ones passed by me every day. The same unnoticeable existence of mine continued. With no roots, no home, nowhere to get back to, i keep moving along with the transitioning and transforming times. Kicked, beaten, stamped over by many, i continue this sojourn through life.
Did you ask how old i am? Well, i don’t remember anymore. It seems ages ago when i think about the time i finally broke away and came out on my own.
Shush!
That’s the man i like. Walking with sure and measured steps, a smile on his lips, whistling away a tune of his own, unaware of his surroundings. There lies a dreamer in him. How do i know? Reality cannot bring that smile on any man’s face.
Ah! There goes that girl...
High heels, fast steps, a slight stern expression of concentration on her face almost as if she is afraid to let a smile of hers to be seen, or a tear breaking the dams of vulnerability flow out destroying the facade of strength and determination that she puts up for the rest of the world. I am not sure whether she ever dreamt. But now, she has the lost the ability to dream.
The rains are playing truant to the people walking on. It’s like the false contraction that women get before the real one unleashes itself on them. A drop would fall here and there but the down pour is yet to come. A feeling of uncertainty lingers in the air.
Does it bother me? Not really. I enjoy this feeling of an unplanned eventuality, something absolutely non-routine and unexpected. What’s the point of living if you know what’s going to happen next?
So when they say, “It’s now or never”, i wonder how they can be so sure. This entire feeling of doing it for the present, planning for the future confuses me. I feel a strange incomprehension when i see such strong believers of planned way of life. January is winters, autumn in October, June is summer while March is springtime and the rains are sometime in May, June, July. A February rain and everyone’s loses focus, control and cannot understand how such inevitability could occur.
Ya i know i have been rambling on. But i thought i might as well give my introduction by letting you know what excites me and what depresses me, and what experiences i might have before i start talking with you. It’s not good to talk with strangers, so i hope you know me a bit better now.
And i proceed.
18th May. Another year, yet the day remains fresh in my mind...
18th May it was.
Not any different from any other day really, especially for me. But, one should never presume.
I saw some new feet moving around. They were not the usual sure footed one, but they had this suppressed excitement in them. I guess somewhat like Columbus when he landed on the shores of America. He knew it was the new lands, but was not sure whether this was what he intended to see when he completed his exploration. But well, he had something to discover anyway.
Oh my goodness! The number of new feet just seems to be increasing. It’s almost like a deluge. Some just give me that look of curiosity, but they move on as the rest of them.
Who is this? She came and sat beside me merrily talking on the phone and laughing like the world is the most amazing place. She NOTICED me!! And gave a smile. Not pity, not hatred, just a smile which asked for nothing but gave a lot to me.
And then it was kind of a ritual for both of us. I expected her to come at least once a day when she would talk like the rambling river crossing the hills, making its own path as it went. Crossing a small stone or a large boulder, but moving on. And she would look at my permanent existence after a life of travelling across the globe. She was amazed at my stability and i hoped that she would never have to stop her course like i did.
The days were hot, but she would come over at night, sitting beside me and looking at the moon.
Slowly she came once in two days, which got reduced to less than once a week and then very rarely. And now when she came, she would fight over the phone and cry quietly. She never told me what was happening. And i never asked her.
Slowly the fights were taken over monotonous emotionless conversations. It was breaking my heart to see her change from the devilish laugh to this deadpan face and unhappy smiles.
And the thunderbolt came!
Cracking through the skies and hitting the tree that had stood for years believing it would stay forever. The roots were weak now and it fell, thrashing itself as well as the other smaller trees and flowers around it.
She was quiet for some days. But slowly the sun rose amongst the clouds of July through the mists of December and January and i could see the smile coming back.
It was not the same; it can never be the same. But well, isn’t change the only truth of life? She comes sometimes to sit beside me. I know she likes my sense of rootedness in transition. She will be leaving me soon, but we are living in the present without thinking too much about the future.’
Ouch! That hurt... They stamp on you and walk away, without a sorry or excuse me.
Oh, so you finally asked who i am?
I am the rolling stone.
The noise was sudden.
Alarming
Yet, something that was not unexpected.
Faster footsteps went on around me as i lay there numb and motionless. The same feet, interspersed with a few new ones passed by me every day. The same unnoticeable existence of mine continued. With no roots, no home, nowhere to get back to, i keep moving along with the transitioning and transforming times. Kicked, beaten, stamped over by many, i continue this sojourn through life.
Did you ask how old i am? Well, i don’t remember anymore. It seems ages ago when i think about the time i finally broke away and came out on my own.
Shush!
That’s the man i like. Walking with sure and measured steps, a smile on his lips, whistling away a tune of his own, unaware of his surroundings. There lies a dreamer in him. How do i know? Reality cannot bring that smile on any man’s face.
Ah! There goes that girl...
High heels, fast steps, a slight stern expression of concentration on her face almost as if she is afraid to let a smile of hers to be seen, or a tear breaking the dams of vulnerability flow out destroying the facade of strength and determination that she puts up for the rest of the world. I am not sure whether she ever dreamt. But now, she has the lost the ability to dream.
The rains are playing truant to the people walking on. It’s like the false contraction that women get before the real one unleashes itself on them. A drop would fall here and there but the down pour is yet to come. A feeling of uncertainty lingers in the air.
Does it bother me? Not really. I enjoy this feeling of an unplanned eventuality, something absolutely non-routine and unexpected. What’s the point of living if you know what’s going to happen next?
So when they say, “It’s now or never”, i wonder how they can be so sure. This entire feeling of doing it for the present, planning for the future confuses me. I feel a strange incomprehension when i see such strong believers of planned way of life. January is winters, autumn in October, June is summer while March is springtime and the rains are sometime in May, June, July. A February rain and everyone’s loses focus, control and cannot understand how such inevitability could occur.
Ya i know i have been rambling on. But i thought i might as well give my introduction by letting you know what excites me and what depresses me, and what experiences i might have before i start talking with you. It’s not good to talk with strangers, so i hope you know me a bit better now.
And i proceed.
18th May. Another year, yet the day remains fresh in my mind...
18th May it was.
Not any different from any other day really, especially for me. But, one should never presume.
I saw some new feet moving around. They were not the usual sure footed one, but they had this suppressed excitement in them. I guess somewhat like Columbus when he landed on the shores of America. He knew it was the new lands, but was not sure whether this was what he intended to see when he completed his exploration. But well, he had something to discover anyway.
Oh my goodness! The number of new feet just seems to be increasing. It’s almost like a deluge. Some just give me that look of curiosity, but they move on as the rest of them.
Who is this? She came and sat beside me merrily talking on the phone and laughing like the world is the most amazing place. She NOTICED me!! And gave a smile. Not pity, not hatred, just a smile which asked for nothing but gave a lot to me.
And then it was kind of a ritual for both of us. I expected her to come at least once a day when she would talk like the rambling river crossing the hills, making its own path as it went. Crossing a small stone or a large boulder, but moving on. And she would look at my permanent existence after a life of travelling across the globe. She was amazed at my stability and i hoped that she would never have to stop her course like i did.
The days were hot, but she would come over at night, sitting beside me and looking at the moon.
Slowly she came once in two days, which got reduced to less than once a week and then very rarely. And now when she came, she would fight over the phone and cry quietly. She never told me what was happening. And i never asked her.
Slowly the fights were taken over monotonous emotionless conversations. It was breaking my heart to see her change from the devilish laugh to this deadpan face and unhappy smiles.
And the thunderbolt came!
Cracking through the skies and hitting the tree that had stood for years believing it would stay forever. The roots were weak now and it fell, thrashing itself as well as the other smaller trees and flowers around it.
She was quiet for some days. But slowly the sun rose amongst the clouds of July through the mists of December and January and i could see the smile coming back.
It was not the same; it can never be the same. But well, isn’t change the only truth of life? She comes sometimes to sit beside me. I know she likes my sense of rootedness in transition. She will be leaving me soon, but we are living in the present without thinking too much about the future.’
Ouch! That hurt... They stamp on you and walk away, without a sorry or excuse me.
Oh, so you finally asked who i am?
I am the rolling stone.
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
Love me tender, love me wild
when i shall hold you in my arms
…and let the moment linger on as
i count the stars and whisper
my love for you.
…and promise nothing more
or less to you…
…and as i look into your face
and you into mine,
we say no words,
but bare our souls and listen
to the hearts’ beats…
You shower your love on
my eyes n ears n cheeks n lips
…and my fingers trace your face
i clasp your arms and feet…
…and as the moment flies
we rock on to the skies
Love me tender, love me wild
coz you are my man and i your woman still
…and all i have is for you my dear
for you alone, i live
Wednesday, June 13, 2007
Empty words
Fill the air, water and sky
Pages fly
Tears splash
Waterproof souls
Oasisless sands
Spreads its wings
Covers us all...
Thoughts fly
No resting sky...
Nests are made
And broken...
Pieces of it
Call out n cry
Scream silently
N then die...
Nothingness
And isolation stay...
Love is raped
Hate prevails...
Plastic smiles
And tears
Go on and on...
Monday, May 28, 2007
The unpublished story
My dad calls me pari..an angel, the jewel of his eyes. My mom looks after all my small small needs. i love to sing and prance around the whole house. They look at me and smile.
But i am not a pari...not any longer. i am scared to move around the house..what if?...no, dont tell anyone...if you do, then dad wont love me anymore and mom will shut me outside the house... why? because he said so...
He used to take me around the house when mom was busy cooking food and then he would tell me stories..stories that i would love to hear again n again..but then...
i used to sit in front of the mirror for hours on end...combing my hair,smiling and looking the left side and the right...i hate the mirror that shows me my face now...i want to run away and hide...i dont want anyone to see me..
yesterday when i got back from school, there were a few guys who passed me by and said loudly- sexy! i asked mom and she said it was bad word..never use it again..How did the guys know about it...i did not say anything...that means everyone can see that i am bad, impure...oh!! where will i hide....
he said i deserved it...that i looked pretty..that i danced..that i invited attention...why didn't i wrap it up and hide from the rest of the world...he said if i tell anyone they would throw me away forever...
But i hated it, those crude hands...i want to scream..want to breakapart..but i cant...
why me? why why why me??
the pari's white dress has been dirtied like the gutter..her hair's uncombed...her dance has left her...she is holding on to the small threads...i am living ..but for how long...
"My tears don't fall, they drown my soul..."
But i am not a pari...not any longer. i am scared to move around the house..what if?...no, dont tell anyone...if you do, then dad wont love me anymore and mom will shut me outside the house... why? because he said so...
He used to take me around the house when mom was busy cooking food and then he would tell me stories..stories that i would love to hear again n again..but then...
i used to sit in front of the mirror for hours on end...combing my hair,smiling and looking the left side and the right...i hate the mirror that shows me my face now...i want to run away and hide...i dont want anyone to see me..
yesterday when i got back from school, there were a few guys who passed me by and said loudly- sexy! i asked mom and she said it was bad word..never use it again..How did the guys know about it...i did not say anything...that means everyone can see that i am bad, impure...oh!! where will i hide....
he said i deserved it...that i looked pretty..that i danced..that i invited attention...why didn't i wrap it up and hide from the rest of the world...he said if i tell anyone they would throw me away forever...
But i hated it, those crude hands...i want to scream..want to breakapart..but i cant...
why me? why why why me??
the pari's white dress has been dirtied like the gutter..her hair's uncombed...her dance has left her...she is holding on to the small threads...i am living ..but for how long...
"My tears don't fall, they drown my soul..."
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