Rehaan Ria Part 4

I know you think that I shouldn't still love you, 
Or tell you that.
But if I didn't say it, well I'd still have felt it 
where's the sense in that? 
I promise I'm not trying to make your life harder 
Or return to where we were 
I will go down with this ship 
And I won't put my hands up and surrender 
There will be no white flag above my door 
I'm in love and always will be

…
And when we meet 
Which I'm sure we will 
All that was there
Will be there still 
I'll let it pass 
And hold my tongue 
And you will think 
That I've moved on…

Ria was beating the coffee while the water was heating up for the maggi.

I had to rush out of the room before he could sense my feelings. Girlfriend. He has a girl friend. That is a simple fact. Why does that upset me? I am in a relationship too. Why does it feel unfair if he loves someone else too? How can I feel jealous? Possessive? And that too about a person I met last night? I, who believes in unconditional and unbounded love feels like holding this man as ONLY mine. What is going on with me? Why do I feel like abandoning everything that I have built all my life and just leave with this stranger?

Stranger? Is he a stranger? How could a stranger melt me and reach to the core of my soul and make me so vulnerable? How could he take out the best and the worst out of me? How could he break down the walls of defence I have had around me and make me feel the way I feel for him? How is that when he touched me it felt like I had wasted all the years of my life by not meeting him before? How can someone be a stranger and do that to me?

What about Darsh and me? Am I so fickle minded that I can forget all our years of love in a passing moment of passion? Do I not love him? The funny thing is I do. Rehaan has not changed my feelings for Darsh. But what do I do now? Whenever he looks at me with those eyes I turn reckless. Maggi and coffee that is all I could mumble to run away from his hypnotic gaze. I forgot all my hurt, all my ego, self respect the moment he started speaking. How could he manage that?

It held on when the storm came

and battered it hard

It bore the endless heat of the sun

with pleasure

The mighty rains could do nothing more

than softly caress its borders

While the chilly wind

showed it how long it could hold off the cold

But with the first nudge of spring

a grasshopper

danced on its rims

tickling it with its mere whiskers

And the leaf fell off

scattered

on the road…

“Mmm…the coffee smells good.”

He had wrapped her navy blue towel around his waist and looked like a freshly baked cake. Delicious.

“I like my maggi to be a little spicy and less soupy. You okay with that?”

Can I ever make conversation beyond maggi?

“I like maggi in any form.”

She had this eye for details; strong opinions and choices in even the most mundane thing like whether the maggi should be soupy or spicy. Also it was the way in which she served it on the plate; one spoon on the first plate and one on the other, trying to ensure maximum equality in distribution of food.

I haven’t seen anybody with such clear thoughts about what she wants. Like yesterday…

“Are you sure I can stay in? What if…?”

“Stop thinking. Just do as I say. I love it that way.”

Heaven.

“Breakfast’s ready. Here you go.”

“It is perfect.”

“Maggi is not rocket science you know.”

“I was talking about this moment…”

“What happened? The shower cleaned up your fears?”

“No. But this moment is perfect just like the cigarettes yesterday…”

Ah! That was dramatic.

“I want to have cigarettes. It has always fascinated me why people have cigarettes in Hollywood movies, right after…this…”

“I think I might have one in my purse. You ok with Lights?”

“Yes. Perfect.”

The joy on his face to have lived his fantasy was worth the weird demand of cigarettes while he was still in my embrace.

“I am in a relationship too. But I never thought it was important for you to know it. I don’t know the reason why, but I love you.”

There. It was out of my system.

“How could you say the same thing that I wanted to tell you? I don’t know the reason why, but I love you too.”

There. It was out of my system.

“I wish you hadn’t said that though, Ria. I love Shraddha a lot, and I would not want to hurt her in any way. And neither would I want you to get hurt. I wish I could make clones of me right now. One for you, one for her.”

Shraddha. A name that will haunt me forever. 

“I am not asking anything from you. I don’t expect anything from you. I just want you to know that I will be there. Name it whatever you want: friend, lover, or just Ria. I just want you to know that you should never feel lonely, ‘cause I won’t anymore. I know you are there. Even when I don't see you.”

It took all my strength to say that; to let go, to not ask for my share.

He came over to hug her and they stayed in that embrace for a long time. She could hear his heart beats, loud and fast. It was like someone’s heartbeat when he is running to catch a train which has already started moving.

Don't do this Ria. Don't do this. I know how you feel. Let me love you.

“ I think you should leave.”

“I am unable to.”

“Don’t worry. We will meet. Somewhere. And you know where to find me if you need me. But right now you should leave.”

“Ria…” “Rehaan… If it is in our destiny to be together, then we will meet again. And if it is not, then we can live with the happiness of this one day when I had you with me.”

“Ria…” “Rehaan… Leave before I falter.”

“Let us at least keep in touch.”

“No. We can’t just keep in touch. So there is no point in doing that.”

And he left; leaving his memory amongst the dead furniture and the wet navy blue towel that wrapped him for some moments. And her soul left alive, waiting for his return. Someday.

The little sparrow squeaks

and pleads

with its mother

“Don’t push me mother.

I will fall and die.

Hold me mother,

Hold me I can’t fly.”

Push it gets

and it screams and yelps

Lashing its unformed wings

against the harsh winds

to reach its mom’s side.

It falls once

and one more time

Before his wings

the air could swing

and he could fly

The mother sighed

To see him fly

Away he went

into the endless sky

And she waited

to see him one more time

by her side...

Bike Memoirs

In the highways of my dreams
while the road moves
on a bumpy ride of twists and turns
i miss your warmth on the bike we drove...

My arms across your chest
clutching on to your heartbeat
as my chin rests on your shoulder blade
and we share a glance
through the mirror on the right.
i miss your smile through those eyes...

The mismatched turns on
indecisive streets under neon lights
take us through stranger routes
as we look for the road we knew
and you turn around and sigh!
i miss your love for those unseen sights...

As we walk our way through life
in days we slog
in evenings catch some breath of respite
i miss you
and our rides...

Of Tears...

Someone's arms
Now enclosed him the way i did...

Cry my sweet child, cry...
and let the tears wash away
those unseen wounds
that no words can ever dry...

Cry now, 'cause tomorrow
these tears may betray you
and the pain would smother
your heart's remains...

Let not the world fool you
to believe
that things will be alright
'cause they always remain the same...

Let it flow.
Let it drown the sheets
and the corners of the pillow
that shared his heat...

Don't worry about the swollen eyes
which scare you to fall in line
and move on
with a stoic smile...

Don't let those foolish thoughts
of strength and poise
encumber your emotions
when you want to cry...

Cry my love cry,
for this world is unfair
unjust are its ways
and we are just pawns
in life's wilful play...

Rehaan Ria Part 3

Oh...
I just wanted you to comfort me
When I called you late last night you see
I was fallin' into love
Yes, I was crashin' into love
Oh of all the words you sang to me
About life, the truth and being free, yeah
You sang to me, oh how you sang to me
Girl, I live off how you make me feel
So I question all this being real
'Cause I'm not afraid to love
For the first time I'm not afraid of love
Oh, this day seems made for you and me
And you showed me what life needs to be
Yeah, you sang to me, oh you sang to me
All the while you were in front of me I never realized
I just can't believe I didn't see it in your eyes
I didn't see it, I can't believe it
Oh but I feel it
When you sing to me
How I long to hear you sing beneath the clear blue skies
And I promise you this time I'll see it in your eyes
I didn't see it, I can't believe it
Oh but I feel it
When you sing to me

“Listen to me once. It’s not what you are thinking. I mean, it was my mistake.” 

Mistake? Did he actually call this a mistake!

The shame of Eve

When Adam shied away from her

And called her pleasure

Sin original.

The shame of Sita

When she was asked

To pass through fire for her

Purity tested by

And then left in the woods

for having passed it

The shame of loving

And being called

A mistake of one

And a one night stand.

“What I am thinking is that I should have thought about thinking earlier. The door is right there. I hope you know how to open it.”

“I should have just not asked to drop you back. I don’t know how I took that step. I am sorry. I never thought, never crossed my mind…this was my first time”

Yes. You told that to me enough number of times. I was so happy.  As if, this was meant to be. As if, this is the most innocent action of mine ever. Would I have reacted in the same way if I had not been drunk? ...I am sure I would. It was somehow not because of the alcohol. And that is weird in a sweet way. I am yet to make sense of it, but he, he is apologetic about it.

“I know I am unforgivable. I should not have made you do this!”

“Made me do this? Are you serious?? Do you really think you can make me do anything that I don’t want??? Leave now. Like right now.”

She is the most beautiful woman I ever saw. Ever. Even in her fierce anger. She shakes with it such that I want to hold her and protect her from herself.

“Riaaaa…”

Why doesn’t he just leave! And why are these silly tears coming to my eyes. I mean they just refuse to understand that they are not supposed to appear in front of others. I don’t want him to see me like this. But they just wouldn’t listen.

“Stop crying, please. That is not what I wanted. Can we have coffee? Just don’t cry.”

“You don’t have to give me your pity. I don’t need any.”

“Pity? No no no. Look, I am very bad at explaining things. And somehow I end up saying things that are not understood the way I meant it. I just don’t want you waste your tears on me”

She must hate me right now. How do I explain this feeling to her, that is so pure…so innocent? She would think I took a chance because she was drunk. I feel so mean.

“It is not you. It is me…”

How do I tell her? I am being unfair to her. She deserves much more than what I can ever give her. I should not have come this close. But it was overpowering. I never thought I had such strong emotions in me. She made me discover a side of me I never knew existed. But she needs to know about Shraddha…

“I have a girl friend.”

“So? Are you worried about me spilling the beans to her? I won’t go and tell her anything. So don’t you worry about that.”

“Uff! How do you come up with a completely different meaning to my statement? I thought I was wrong in not telling you about her yesterday. I did not intend to hide it from you. We just never got to talk about that. I thought I was being irresponsible in getting close to you without you knowing anything about me. Maybe I misled you, and I was feeling that I am being unfair. That is why I was sorry. It was not meant to hurt you in any other way.”

“You think too much where there is no need to think. Freshen up now. You okay with Maggi and coffee for breakfast? I am hungry.”

“Perfect combination.”

She walked towards the kitchen.

“Ria?”

“Ya.”

“You are beautiful.”

Her heart skipped a beat and started beating faster, while her cheeks turned hot crimson and she fumbled for words.

“There is a towel inside.”

To be Continued...and hopefully the last one :)

Rehaan Ria Part 2

Ankhen band kar lu jo mein , dekhu bas tumhe
Khwabon mein bhi keh sakta hun apnaa tumhe
Rehne de mera ye wehem pe hi yakin
Na jaoge

Pyar ki yeh raat hai ab na ja
Chotisi ik baat hai ab na ja
Tumhi se hai meri nee

ndein na bhi ho to kya
Tumhi se hai meri baatein na bhi ho to kya
Kehne de taaron ko kahaani ankahi
Na jaoge

Pyar ki yeh raat hai ab na ja
Chotisi ik baat hai ab na ja
Pal do pal ka saath hai ab na ja
Jaadusi ye raat hai ab na ja

Ab na ja

It was like she had come alive. She never thought that life could be so blissful. She looked at him sleeping with his chest rising and falling rhythmically. A half formed smile stuck on her face as she looked at his sleeping face which was like that of a child. Snatches of conversation came back to her.

“It is my first time. I am not sure how…”

“It’s ok Rehaan. Don’t think too much. It is alright.”

 And his pained face flashed across. He was nervous, excited and confused at the same moment. She smiled now and had this urge to give him a hug, but did not want to wake him up. She tip toed to the bathroom to freshen up and take her early morning shower. The morning was beautiful, as if the sun, the trees, the wind, the birds, everyone knew that it was a special day. Everything was perfect when she walked out to the balcony to put her towel to dry.

“Hey! You woke up? Coffee?”

“Umm…no…”

Okay. Something is not sounding right here.

“You are feeling alright?”

“Your room mate has not come in?”

Room mate? Why is he bothered about such things?

“I live alone. I have a habit of saying I live with a room mate to ensure random people don’t come home. I like having my own time and space.”

“Oh…”

Awkward silence followed.

Why am I getting this queasy feeling? What happened?

“Rehaa…” “Ria…”
“Ria… I am sorry. It has never happened with me. I have never lost control. I am sorry about last night.”

Sorry. He is SORRY for last night. He regrets it. This can’t be happening. I thought we felt something out there. Apparently not. ‘Sorry’. That is what he feels. I can’t bear with it.
You slapped me hard, my love you smashed

You spat that word, how ‘sorry’ you are!

Oh Adam! My love, here stands your Eve

Her love is true, not some serpent’s lure…

Don’t say such things, my pleasure’s not sin

Don’t say such words, hold me in your arms

It wasn’t some stint, a one night thing

I felt something, in our heart’s rhythmic ring…

Those eyes had seen, what lips spoke not

Those eyes look lost, that stole my heart

I thought you heard, I felt it so

But now unsure, I feel astray…

Oh why! Oh why! You wring my soul

Come close right now, Or forever you go…

“Leave right now.”

“Listen Ria…”

“LEAVE. RIGHT. NOW.”

Part 3 coming soon...

Rehaan Ria Part 1

Kisko pataa tha pehlu mein rakha, Dil aisa baaji bhi hoga
Hum to hamesha samajhte thhe koi, Hum jaisa haaji hi hoga

Hai zor karein, kitna shor karein, Bewaja baaton pe ainwai gaur karein
Dilsa koi kameena nahi, Koi to rokey, koi to tokey

Iss umra mein ab khaogey dhokhe, Darr lagta hai ishq karne mein ji

Dil to bachcha hai ji, Dil to bachcha hai ji
Thoda kaccha hai ji, Haan dil to baccha hai ji

Sorted. 
And that's when the fatal collision occurred. From nowhere. With no precursors, with no time for preparation.

Rehaan could not believe it. This was as new as anything can ever be. He was unsure of how to deal with this new surge of emotions which came with such force from nowhere and smothered him completely, leaving him completely alive and yet vulnerably raw.

He was one of the more stable guys one would have known. Not extraordinary in academics, average engineering student and then an MBA resulting in a job at E&Y. The work place brought out the best in him, and he moved up fast to become the Research Manager in 3 years.

Life was smooth and like any other 28 year old guy's would be: A sweet girl friend, a lovable family and a good bunch of friends. He was the quiet dependable guy for everyone. He was happy. But there were these days, when he felt life to be routine, that something was amiss. There was a restless energy all around him. Times when he wanted to just leave everything and go see the world. Feel life. Experience it. But how? Where? And responsibilities and duties always stopped him from taking any such rash step. These were thoughts he kept only to himself. If you asked his friends, they would say he was happy being this quiet one with a planned life.

And then he saw her.

Ria was eccentric. Happy in a moment. Sad in the other. Laughed out loud at the silliest joke, got angry for reasons unnecessary. She was, unpredictable on most occasions. She loved to say things that would shock people out of their wits. While at other times, the demure woman listening to elders. Loved her friends with passion and did not care about the rest of the world.

She was into film making and was assisting in Yashraj Films production. Theatre was a passion. After numerous failed relationships, she was sure that this was the one guy who was perfect. The understanding was at a new high. And she was getting over her depressive bouts and enjoying her life completely. Finally she thought she could make a commitment of getting married. Now she could look at it as something much more than a social license to make babies. She was at peace after years of turmoil.

It was New Year’s Eve and Ria agreed to go on an all girl's night to Club Escape. She wanted to usher the New Year with full gusto, to forget all the past and look forward to future. She drowned herself with mojitos and old monk while dancing to  Aahun Aahun Aahun. That is when she thought she saw someone looking at her.

Lucky Bugger is enjoying my non rhythmic dance of madness, she muttered in her head. And then got surprised. He smiled like he could hear her say it. Ignore ignore. You are just high and hallucinating. And again felt the same jabbing feeling like he could read her again and he replied by saying no you are not.

Okay. I think i need to get home. And that is when it happened. He came to her and said, "Let me drop you then." Zapped, Ria said, "OK" and started walking with him.

Outside, there was a nice chill to the air, fresh without the remnants of alcohol and smoky maze that the club had turned out to be in the few hours dance madness. She walked till some car's door was opened and she sat down and put the seatbelt properly.
"So where is your house?" "Andheri East. Sher-e-Punjab area."

Silence for a few moments, while he fiddled with the car keys and then tried to start the fm.

“10-9-8-…”

That is when they both realised that they did not stay with their friends till New Year.

“Happy New Year.” “Thanks. Same to you.”

“You stay with your family?” “Nope. Working here. Living with a flat mate. And you?”

“My family’s here.” “Hmmm…Nice…”

Hang on. What is happening here? Why am I going with a total stranger to my house? And more importantly, why am I not feeling scared. Did they mix something in my drink?

“My name is Rehaan. I work with E&Y. I have no ulterior motives in dropping you home. And I don’t know how I understand you, even I am stunned. That is why I thought that if we talked I would find out.”

“Ria.” Mental Note: Nice Voice. And I hope he did not hear that.

She could have said a little more than just the name. Ria and that is it. Especially when I am trying to figure out what is happening here. I don’t know what Tarun would be thinking. Left him there, without any explanation. What if somebody sees me with her and informs Shraddha? How will I even explain this to her? I should not have come here in the first place. There would be too many people who might get hurt. Who will be able to understand it?

“You okay, Rehaan?” “Mm-hmm”

“I am an assistant director at Yashraj films. Originally from Himachal. I have lived around the country as my father works in a bank.  Came to Bombay 2 years back, and have fallen in love with this city. Love the energy here and the freedom.”

“I like Bombay too. But hate its traffic.”

“Poor Bombay. So many people come here with their dreams, and it tries to welcome them with open arms in the form of roads and houses. But how much can it do?”

“Yaa. That is true. You write?”

“Why? I mean, what made you think so?”

“You have a way of saying things, like it is a story.”

“I have a blog. Let me send you the link to it. Your email?”

“rehaan@gmail.com And yours?”

“You will find it in the email I will send you.” After suitably fiddling with her blackberry, “There you go. You can check it anytime.”

“Okay.”

“Take a left from here. And then turn there. Stop in front of that black building. Thanks!”

“Let me take you to your flat.”

Is he nuts? How does he even expect that I would say a yes? The watchman will freak out if he sees me going up with a guy.

“No no. I will manage.”

Crash! She toppled over.

“Which floor?”

“5^th.”

And he dropped her there. Opened her door, took her inside and made her sleep on her bed before moving out. Just as he was moving out of the door, he looked back and she was standing there staring at him. Why did she wake up? Why am I not leaving? Why am I moving back to her as she moves towards me? What is this strange attraction, what does this intense feeling mean? This is not the me i have known for 28 years. Who is this? What is this?

And they kissed.

Oh! the flame within my heart

Burns with an unquenched desire

I now tread the path

That would lead me to hell’s fire

I thought I had felt

All that is love

Until your breath

Shot up the curve

Of my lips

Entwining them with yours

And sent that tingling rush

Through my arm’s folds.

I moved with you

As if I always knew

The shape of your arms

Were to take me in

And here I am

Awake, alive

You stole my soul

With those closed eyes.

And here i live

with this one night

as i watch you sleep

in my embrace tight...

to be continued...