Tempestuous

It all fell apart
with one angry word

Immature and small
Or so i was told

Never rational caring or humane
Just some angry fireball

Impulsive, re...
the list goes on

These are my laurels
my faults on display
In this public world

Wavering sanity,
i had a free fall

The tempest has passed
A calmness prevails
Over my wrecked world...

Bed-time tales

Sheets of love
and muffled words
blend into the square form
and its limitations

The longing arms
caress that slight dent
on the mattress
to find someone

And ache in its absence

Yes, you were here
somewhere
says those fingertips
which felt your breath that day

And now lies numb & dead

Come back here.
That dent fits well with you
like cinderella's shoes
would do

And so would the arms
that long for you...

And i shall not speak

My words

don't speak what

my mind says

The rational & caring words

turn

Irrational and hard

And i am left

to deal the blow

and deal with the blow returned

And you don't stand by me

but leave me alone

with your rational, conditional love

You judge & weigh

And do the "right" thing

rather than the blind one

I am the Duryodhana

With no Dhritarashtra

to love me back

So now I shall not speak

I will let things happen

I shall not be the villain

anymore

I shall not die blow by blow

I relinquish my throne

to you and everyone

Adieu-less

The curtains were flapping silently in the room while the fan whirred and whirred. 

There were a mixture of noises in the background: clanking of the utensils, splashing of water & a pressure cooker's whistle with the steam sputtering out. 

The rush of people getting ready to go to office could be seen with a car moving out of the compound every other minute. The honking of numerous cars on the roads, the revving of bikes and the screeching horns of autos while they tried to get through every small space available on the road.

And she was sitting there holding the wet towel that had been thrown away in haste & anger. The cold wet towel was getting soaked more and more with the hot tears which kept welling up every now and then. A sob would suddenly escape and make the curtains aware of her presence. Why could she not get him back?

Trying to hold on to him through remnants of unfinished talks on the pillow case. They had heard her whispers while her words fell on those un-hearing ears while he acted as if he was asleep. Picking up the newspaper left near the bathroom sink to read what he might have read. The cereal box remained at the dining table and so was the carton of milk. The lunch box of yesterday was looking out to be cleaned.

But he had left. Without a word. The heaviness of her heart made it difficult to breathe. Like something was clamping down her soul. But it was like a mirage, slipped through her fingers when she thought she had held it with her heart.

And what was left behind was only a shadow of the shadow.

Snapshot

Unending banter

One after the other

talks & longer talks

but no information unfold...

Laughter breaking

the monotony

of the same old

same old life...

Freezing of time

fleeting glimpses

of the bygone

the one to have lived for...

And then roll back

to the mundane

but with that smile

and a hidden spark...

The day of freedom

is not too far

not too far anymore...

Yes we were there
again...

when i smiled
coz i could feel the curves
of your lips
form into a crescent moon
when you shared your joy
with veiled suspense

when i felt
your spirit filled with hope,
love and trust
to give it a chance
and make life colourful
with shades of bliss, fate & game

when i knew
you are with that someone
you were destined to be
not a stop-over
but the final train

Yes, we were there again
Where we were friends first
and friends till the end

Dreams or something else...

To wake up in a sudden abrupt way and being wide wake in less than a second.

A cold sweat down the back of your neck, shivery palms & dried parched mouth.

That unsettling feeling that something isn't right. Peering into the unfazed & sleeping face next to you, which lies undisturbed, unaware of your fear.

That acute sense of complete loneliness. That need of mom's warmth. To tell you 'darling it was just a bad dream, you see I am there with you.'

The loneliness of wakefulness and the dark fear of sleep & the return of the scenes leaves you restless.

And you are just in limbo, unable to move or keep still...

Walking by

I like walking alone by the sea in the night. You cant see anything other than reflections of far off stars. You hear the waves but are unsure if they would reach you this time or fizzle off before splashing against you. You are alone but you can feel the big wide world out there like the lives in the sea. There is a peace but there is also a constant churn taking you high and low like the tides.

And you are walking by. Seeing and feeling everything but in a detached sort of way. The world of the sea does not belong to you and you dont belong to them. And yet, you cant leave and go to the land locked roads because something binds you to the sea. It holds you without becoming one with you.

Four, not a bad score

So who was it? Did he say it or did you pop the question?
One of the most common question that has been thrown at me. Who proposed whom?

And every time there is this awkward pause. How do you explain to anyone that neither of us really proposed. It was just a moment and we knew.

We gave no gifts
We made no speech
No letters shared
No words were there
He held my glance
i held that stare
Our hearts just knew
The love was there...

So unlike most people we don't exactly have a "day". But we picked up one that made some sense. I was in love, he fell in love too.

Love was in the air
It was so rare
The first i was
to breathe it in
He saw me breathe
He saw me live
i fell in love
he fell in love with me...

Some people come to meet him to find out what really clicks for me. I don't know what they analyse and conclude. I have never found a reason, a WHY that would explain it all.

It was not the laugh
[for sure]

or the loud voice
[Give me some cotton for my ears!]

Could it be the BIG sounding words
or the face of Pooh the BIG bear?
[may be... may be not...]

The (mock) seriousness about everything
Or the tension filled eyes?
[breathe in, breathe out
the world will live another day]
Never found a reason
Never found my WHY

And so after 4 years of our so called official "date", i sit and wonder, where would i be if i had decided on taking a flight & missed our bus ride? Would i be the same? What would have changed?

Life changes
every other day
i am not the one i was
you are not the one you were


and yet i feel something
something insane
when you don't take my call
when you travel away for your work
when i wake up
and don't find your face
nestled in my arms

And so i say
four years from that day
i know not why
i know not how
but i love you
and i'll always do

As we speak again

When was it last
that your thought went past
my mind? What a contrast
from the days & weeks
i spent in the dream
of you making me go weak
in the knees?

Such is the case
that within your embrace
lies my last love, my last grace.
i fold my hands into one
but i find no one
who would show me the dawn.

i held my peace
then. But now my smiles cease
to make any sense, to ease
the pain i feel every hour
and i want to devour
every single memory of the same.

But they just won't leave
their nets they weave
around my life & i believe
it would not change
till i arrange
all the bits & pieces i have got in exchange
for my whole heart
that you have broken apart
in your success chart

So tell me
as we speak again
what do you wish to gain
in return of wreaking havoc again
in my life so plain?
Won't you stop the game?

Now how?

I heard those lines
Someone had read them
Some other day
In the same rhythm

I heard those words
They were the same
But had lost the touch
Lost the charm

You said you knew
I said I knew
But they were forgotten
As time flew

Searching for the source
I walk again
You think it has a reason
You still think i am sane

Forgotten in some corner
I lie on a soft bed
Comfortable but numb
Fearing to tread

The road is narrow
There is no road
Just another dead end
For my mind to bend

And you smile
And walk away
Leaving me ruffled
Choosing your way

In love no more

in love no more
no more i am
in eyes of yours
i see her charm

in love i felt
your beating heart
your smile now melts
her broken heart

in love no more
no more i am
in love i swayed
in love i danced

in love some more
i gave you chance
in love of hers
you are in trance

in love no more
no more i am
in love you are
you are too far

in love i had
your thoughts so clear
your soul now holds
her smile and cheer

in love no more
i lost my heart
my heart's still there
to find your heart...

Just a passing thought

Up and down, round and round
Up and down, round and round

That is what happens when you stop the gym and eat the sweets.

A place for you, a place for me

"Why would you say that?"
"It is unique. It has the woody feeling. It has the old world charm, quaint, but it is bubbling with the young and new. It is at the most obvious places, but you need to have an eye to find it. You can't see the sea, but you can smell the salt in the air. The crowd is close by, but you can't hear it. It is all of that and more..."

The coffee mugs looked more beautiful. The rocking chair felt like it was made for me, rocking at the perfect rhythm. What was it that i ate? it somehow does not matter. It is like a picture postcard of a secret trip: just another snap for an outsider, but to me its my adventure.

A place becoming a symbol. A place becoming us.
Especially now.

Who loses more?

On the first page of our story
The future seemed so bright
Then this thing turned out to be so evil
I don't know why i'm still surprised...

And surprised i stay
looking back at all the days
turning a blind eye
to all the things glaring at me

Next time it won't be the same
you will once again change
till the next time you hit again
and i fall for the same scheme

It's not about who is right
It's not about the way out
It's not about who hit harder
It's always a losing game of who loses more

Shifting sands

We will both forget the breeze,most of the time...
and i am happy for you
and sad for me
i could not be to you
what you were to me...

So you laugh about your life
And sip into its beauty
And you have your fears
Some questions, somewhere...

And i laugh about my life
its madness, unpredictability
And its uncertain turns
A place of no returns...

The breeze is there
i feel it
sometimes
And at other times
i let it go
It's not the breath to die for
It's not important anymore...

Snippets

And then he smiled.
Like the sun shining after a long week of cloudy, morose days.
And she smiled too.
The spirit rising from the deepest trench and invigorating every bit of her body & soul.
And they could sleep peacefully
dreaming of a tomorrow better than the today that was gone forever.

Status messages

And suddenly everything changed
those who did not believe in magic
never found it
Somewhere over the rainbow
Grace found Anthon Berg


While waiting for a new dawn
Abby and Anna thought
Is Mumbai water fattening?


Sometimes I think life is one big test
and I'm in the wrong classroom
And i stood alone, sordid,
in the act of defiance
amidst the cacophony of laughter behind me
I strayed along to the trodden path
in the midst of the colossal seas
I muscled through the turbulent seas
and the fangs of winds...
Which is an amazing fact #4


Now if you are going through hell
keep going
Don't sigh... or be Blank!
Because by and large, mothers and housewives
are the only workers
who do not have regular time off


And then they think on bb and on blackberry
"Why do you always have to work
before enjoying rewards :|
what happened to muft? :("
or
"Why should i have to work
for everything?!
It's like saying I don't deserve it!"


All hell has broken loose
but change is permanent
so constructing a story
instead of keeping an unnerving silence
they rush to Lakme fashion week
while most of us remain attached
to the need to be correct


Good that my memories
believe in the delayed release
format
So although I am off for a bit
Some peace and some understanding
could make this world such a better place to live


& the tunnel gets darker
and
You either die a hero
or live long enough to see yourself
become the villain...

A day, a life

Another day
of dialogues
of knick knacks
and some brick bats

Another day
of walking together
of holding hands
and sleeping apart

Another day
of lively cheer
of passionate hopes
and deeper fears

Another day
of mundane dryness
of creative sparks
and insane plans

Another day
of me and you
of us and them
and a million words...

No Ever After

Lifetime validity
ends
when the sim card breaks
the connection

or when the owner
does not take care
and the phone is damaged,
Lost or stolen

and with it you lose
the messages of the heart
the hours of open words
the pictures of years past

Indispensable.

Unbreakable.

Forever.

Ever after.

Lies, deceptive words

i was taught

in my idyllic world

And now i enjoy

till the expiry date

not trying to give it a shot

once the best before is past

I have learnt from

the side effects

the nausea, the immense pain

and debilitation

...it is better to be alone

than to be a lonely soul

Waiting for you...

Dil behal toh jaayega, iss khayal se,
haal mil gaya tumhara apne haal se
Raat ye qaraar ki, beqaraar hai
Tumhara intezaar hai...

Honth pe liye huye dil ki baat hum
jaagte rahenge aur, kitni raat hum
Muqtasar si baat hai, tumse pyaar hai
Tumhara intezaar hai...

Hauntingly beautiful. One of my all time favourite composition, as reminded by my Alibag partner. That wait, that never-ending, beautiful, agonizing, enticing but heart wrenching, yet the most worthwhile wait... Tumhara intezaar hai, Tum pukar lo...

Someday

Someday, somewhere
you would wake up
and i would be gone
The same silly one
who filled you up
with laughter and cheer

Someday you will glance
to your left side
and search for my face
but find no trace...
While i would hide
not to be found by any chance

Someday you would seek
the warmth, the comfort
of my hands, in yours
While it will only be yours
in my sweatshirt:
the one i forgot to take back

Someday you would realise
that i love you more
than i could ever express
which i would never confess
even behind closed doors
But i would have been lost to your eyes

Someday i would run
And let go of my emotions
Someday you would be
just another one
Someday you would not rule
and i would not be a fool

Someday i would think of me
before i think of you

Someday your smile
won't be my only prize
Someday i would love you less
And i would not be a mess
Someday i will...
Someday i shall...