Time lines of change

I was always taken to those weddings and social get-togethers where my parents were invited. I would not be having my friends and at times no children in the party. My Big B could avoid it by simply saying a no, and he being a big boy could stay alone.

I liked to dress up. Wear those new frocks my aunt would have sent from America. To comb my short thin hair and put 2 red bow shaped clips on both sides. Putting a red bindi and lots of powder on my face. 

I enjoyed the attention the uncles and aunties would give me. "Which class are you in?" "Which school?" "Oh, you have grown tall. I knew you when you were just six months old."

I loved people. Simply liked to be part of a bustling crowd, liked to be known, seen, heard by all. I would sing without hesitation. And accept the adulation and praise without a question.

And here I am today. Wearing a t-shirt which says "The more people i meet, the more i love my dog".

Cynical. Trying to see the words through different layered lenses. That guy is such a chauvinist creature. She speaks words she has no understanding of. Do not believe those words, it is only a way to sweet talk.

The trust, the simple joy of having people around you lost somewhere. From birthdays with the whole class being invited to a birthday spent quietly with a select few. From going home for holidays and spending time with the zillion of relatives to spending it alone with myself.

Threshold View

I saw a path down the red brown bricks
A call saying “Come along with me”
The shrubs changed to trees
The flowers transforming twigs
Sometimes narrow, sometimes opening deep
I walked by the herds of sheep. 

I thought I knew those lanes by now
By-lanes crept up unknown unseen
I halted, took a break from it
To enquire from the herdsmen’s chiefs
What path did they see? 

They knew no path
Just walked and walked
They chose the trail
With the greener grass 

The grass was green in bits and parts
Which was my bit, which part was that?
The call was faint, the mist grew thick

I took the first step
I heard my heart beat 

I guess this is it, I hope I am there
Where I wanted to Be…

Thunderbolt

A thunderbolt flashed across the orange hued sky, breaking through the stillness of the air pregnant with unfallen rain drops.
The noise was sudden.

Alarming

Yet, something that was not unexpected.

Faster footsteps went on around me as i lay there numb and motionless. The same feet, interspersed with a few new ones passed by me every day. The same unnoticeable existence of mine continued. With no roots, no home, nowhere to get back to, i keep moving along with the transitioning and transforming times. Kicked, beaten, stamped over by many, i continue this sojourn through life.

Did you ask how old i am? Well, i don’t remember anymore. It seems ages ago when i think about the time i finally broke away and came out on my own.

Shush!
That’s the man i like. Walking with sure and measured steps, a smile on his lips, whistling away a tune of his own, unaware of his surroundings. There lies a dreamer in him. How do i know? Reality cannot bring that smile on any man’s face.

Ah! There goes that girl...
High heels, fast steps, a slight stern expression of concentration on her face almost as if she is afraid to let a smile of hers to be seen, or a tear breaking the dams of vulnerability flow out destroying the facade of strength and determination that she puts up for the rest of the world. I am not sure whether she ever dreamt. But now, she has the lost the ability to dream.

The rains are playing truant to the people walking on. It’s like the false contraction that women get before the real one unleashes itself on them. A drop would fall here and there but the down pour is yet to come. A feeling of uncertainty lingers in the air.

Does it bother me? Not really. I enjoy this feeling of an unplanned eventuality, something absolutely non-routine and unexpected. What’s the point of living if you know what’s going to happen next?

So when they say, “It’s now or never”, i wonder how they can be so sure. This entire feeling of doing it for the present, planning for the future confuses me. I feel a strange incomprehension when i see such strong believers of planned way of life. January is winters, autumn in October, June is summer while March is springtime and the rains are sometime in May, June, July. A February rain and everyone’s loses focus, control and cannot understand how such inevitability could occur.

Ya i know i have been rambling on. But i thought i might as well give my introduction by letting you know what excites me and what depresses me, and what experiences i might have before i start talking with you. It’s not good to talk with strangers, so i hope you know me a bit better now.

And i proceed.

18th May. Another year, yet the day remains fresh in my mind...

18th May it was.
Not any different from any other day really, especially for me. But, one should never presume.

I saw some new feet moving around. They were not the usual sure footed one, but they had this suppressed excitement in them. I guess somewhat like Columbus when he landed on the shores of America. He knew it was the new lands, but was not sure whether this was what he intended to see when he completed his exploration. But well, he had something to discover anyway.

Oh my goodness! The number of new feet just seems to be increasing. It’s almost like a deluge. Some just give me that look of curiosity, but they move on as the rest of them.

Who is this? She came and sat beside me merrily talking on the phone and laughing like the world is the most amazing place. She NOTICED me!! And gave a smile. Not pity, not hatred, just a smile which asked for nothing but gave a lot to me.

And then it was kind of a ritual for both of us. I expected her to come at least once a day when she would talk like the rambling river crossing the hills, making its own path as it went. Crossing a small stone or a large boulder, but moving on. And she would look at my permanent existence after a life of travelling across the globe. She was amazed at my stability and i hoped that she would never have to stop her course like i did.

The days were hot, but she would come over at night, sitting beside me and looking at the moon.

Slowly she came once in two days, which got reduced to less than once a week and then very rarely. And now when she came, she would fight over the phone and cry quietly. She never told me what was happening. And i never asked her.

Slowly the fights were taken over monotonous emotionless conversations. It was breaking my heart to see her change from the devilish laugh to this deadpan face and unhappy smiles.

And the thunderbolt came!

Cracking through the skies and hitting the tree that had stood for years believing it would stay forever. The roots were weak now and it fell, thrashing itself as well as the other smaller trees and flowers around it.

She was quiet for some days. But slowly the sun rose amongst the clouds of July through the mists of December and January and i could see the smile coming back.

It was not the same; it can never be the same. But well, isn’t change the only truth of life? She comes sometimes to sit beside me. I know she likes my sense of rootedness in transition. She will be leaving me soon, but we are living in the present without thinking too much about the future.’

Ouch! That hurt... They stamp on you and walk away, without a sorry or excuse me.

Oh, so you finally asked who i am?

I am the rolling stone.

Love me tender, love me wild

...and the day is near

when i shall hold you in my arms

…and let the moment linger on as

i count the stars and whisper

my love for you.

…and promise nothing more

or less to you…

…and as i look into your face

and you into mine,

we say no words,

but bare our souls and listen

to the hearts’ beats…

You shower your love on

my eyes n ears n cheeks n lips

…and my fingers trace your face

i clasp your arms and feet…

…and as the moment flies

we rock on to the skies

Love me tender, love me wild

coz you are my man and i your woman still

…and all i have is for you my dear

for you alone, i live