Just a start

Sometimes it is the small things. The most insignificant stuff, that breaks your heart. And sometimes it takes a mountain to move you one inch. And there she was sitting by the sea shore, watching the waves ripple and letting her life float by. The waves were barely able to flirt with her toes, and she hardly felt any of that. Lost in her own stories and more stories. How is that in your own stories you are always right... Like the character who has hardly any shades of grey, while the rest are either grey or black.

If ever thoughts were tracked where all they would go. The power to move from yesterday to a decade back in an infinitesimal second. All connected all lost. And the personal and public gets blurred. Just like the salty sweat and clean dripping water from a sipper gets blurred on the skin while on the treadmill. And that’s where they met… or maybe somewhere else. Who cares???

Well, there was something common between them, or so it seemed to her at that time. But now… everyday is like this feeling of overwhelming sense of responsibility and duty and commitment to the world and the family. What do they like, what would they say, what would they want, and what do they need? Somewhere in all this she got lost. When? How? Why? Those can be only suppositions no one can really answer. And now sitting at the sea shore she is searching for a way back to herself, but she has forgotten who that was.

Everyone tells her: We love the ‘Old’ you! You had spunk, personality, aggression and madness!

But she does not know the way back to that. I mean she was no Hansel who kept dropping white pebbles to find her way back from the jungle, even the bread crumbs have been long eaten away. How do you make a drum to produce the same sound after it has been left to rot, thrown around, beaten up and broken down? She was like the bass less, rotting drum, the sticks were there, but the leather was torn.

And yet, today she has told herself to get up and start again. Maybe with patches, with a whining sound not the same timbre of confidence, she would start.  Because today, is not like the other days. Today, one of those small things have broken her into innumerable pieces and there is just no more that she can take…

It is enough...

I ask for nothing more
it is enough
that i breathe and live

i asked for moments
i got enough
to remember and relive

i asked for a bed to sleep
i got enough
to close my eyelids

i asked for a one way ticket
i got enough
places to discover and visit

i asked for only my share
i got enough days
and night to pass by on my own will

I ask for nothing more
it is enough
that i breathe and live...

Finally

...and it came down
to creating the mask
of laughter and silence...

I was told what I am not
I was made what I wasn't

and yet I have to move on
like a zombie
with no soul, no direction.

go through the processes
people call life
as death is not an option...

and yet I feel the pain
sometimes over the numbness
that has become omnipresent...

To care, was a mistake
To trust-a crime.
and I lose faith again
for the final time...

how do I start over?
which pieces to pick up,
which to leave behind?

I know that you are happy
now that
I have finally broken down....

If

If you knew I was to die
tomorrow...
Would you still be the same?
Would you care about what 
the world would say?
Or would you think how
our lives won't remain the same?
Would you kiss me and then wipe
the glitters of my lip gloss off your face?
Or would you hold me
and never let me feel the pain?

If you knew I was to die
tomorrow...
Would you still call me names behind 
my back and fake love to my face?
Or would you let me in your heart
and mend the disdain?
Would you say things that break me
into smithereens?
Or would you care to see things 
from where I see them?

If I were to die tomorrow...
Would you want me to be with you
till my last breath?
Or would you send me to 
solitary confinement for the day?
Would you want me to hold you, hug you,
want you, kiss you?
Or would you want me to wait
for the day to end?

If I were to die tomorrow...

What may seem too far for now...
You never know it might be 
just around the corner...
Where death is waiting
to make me his forever...

Like today

Somedays like today
I wish to disappear
Become non existent
Break the walls of laughter
And be my true broken self

Somedays like today
I wish I was never born
As I can't seem to get up
And break the chain
The trap of this world

Somedays like today
I feel lonelier than alone
And everything seems worthless
Breathing is tiresome
And time is to wait for death

Somedays like today
People don't matter
Neither does love
What matters is to set my
Soul free from this world

Somedays like today
Life seems more than a burden
And I don't want to carry on
The journey is endless
Of the same and the same again

Somedays like today
I wish to have the courage
To give up and give in
To my emotions and let go 
Of this life I claim my own

Somedays like today
I wish I were gone
And tomorrow never came...

Addicted

Have I told you how
I feel so alive
When your arms are around my waist...

Have I told you how
I am lost to all
When you look into my eyes...

Have I told you how
I am on cloud number nine
When your lips brush against mine...

And it breaks my soul
And I want to hide
When you become part of the real world....

And then the drug's all gone
And I am all alone
When you are in the arms of another one...

How did I get addicted?
How did I let it happen?

And now I need to move on
Take my trapped self
And bring my world back to track number one...

So here I start
Here I am again
Where it all began
Taking a bet on myself
I am now ready to fly...

Warm Winter

Slow swivel
of the waist
followed by a twist
along the toe nail

His hands tracing her...
scorching her
where they fell
leaving a hot trail...

the flutters were soft,
but only at first...
He swept her
into a frenzied trance

And wild, wild, wild
went her heart's slow beat
And nothing could hold
her passionate heat...

She flew, and trembled
her heart's deepest chord
She cried, she laughed
She touched the stars...

And as she laid back
stilling the last shivers...
She had no winter
that was this warm...

Nested bird...

And i knew,
We were past those
sweet nothings
and innocent chit chats

We had crossed
the incessant giggles
and the ever rising 
tide of passion...

Yes we liked
the occasional hug
And entwined fingers
and that's where it stopped...

I kept waiting
to hear him long for me
I kept waiting
for him to look at me

I kept hoping
he will sweep me off my feet
I kept wanting
him to forget everyone else, but me...

But we were
too caught up
in every day life
in finishing our tasks...

In all that, how to say
Let's forget the world...
Let's forget other's expectations
And let's fly like a free bird...

'Cause now i am not sure
that he would want to fly with me
Or stay in his nest
where his eggs are laid

I fell in love
with his free flying soul
but now it's tied
in his comforting home

And so this free bird
is flapping her wings
the breeze is felt
in the cage within...

The Unspoken One...

You fell into my life, like a shooting star...
Never did i believe, we will get this far...

The one i fell in love,
looks just like you...
Was it your words or your eyes
that made me desire, no one but you...

And yet we are so far...
Close in the eyes of all
We are the pair who are loved by all...

How can i share and let you into
my loneliest heart
And show you the hidden hurt...

There are only pieces of me...
One here, another thrown away
and some crushed like grains
of sand, are lost in the way...

Unknown are these emotions,
How do i begin to express,
when i have to suppress
the tears, hopes and broken words...

And then i wonder...
Why did i ever meet you
You are my highest pleasure and my deepest fall...

And yet, it is not a complain,
how do i explain...
I have chosen this pain
over the peace of a happy world...

You are mine to keep, 
and its only you i seek
My unspoken one...
Although your world has no place for me...