Not in Love...

No baby, i am not in love
love is too trite, common place
i am in need of you
part of a never ending chase
of who needs whom more...

Sometimes, just your face
makes up for the lost time
of distance, travel and busy days
But then again, it is a crime
to not hold you in a never-ending embrace...

No darling, i am not in love
how can i be in love
when i know you are forever
another's, one i can't shove
and have me instead of her...

Sometimes, i feel rejected
like some old teddy bear
which makes you laugh
but you never notice the tear
hidden behind those unblinking eyes...

No sweetheart, i am not in love
love does not make you lose
your self respect, and all the control
that stopped the world to use
and make you dependent on one soul

Sometimes, when you use me
i feel like the coveted one
i devour the moment and relive it
again and again, like a special one
only to continue the pretense...

No baby, i am not in love
'cause if i accepted that
i would fail to understand
how i have allowed all that
and still be in love with you...

Why then?

If it was to be only once,

then why did you rouse my emotion...

If it was to be just lust,

then why did you pick my heart...

If it was not to be

then why did I and you become we...

If it was to be in a land of fantasy,

then why did our lives meet in reality...

If there were terms and conditions attached

then why was the consent asked after the signed deal...

If it was another one of your game,

then why did it have to be me...

If regrets were an after thought

then why did we give love another chance...

If love had a name tag

then why can't we read our heart...

If i had to move away from your world

then why did I play my part...

If the memories were to be incomplete

then why did the fire start...

If i know the answers

then why do i still ask...

If i know where to go

then why did i lose my path...

The night

the night has come
in its inevitable way
closing in on the heart...
and words are but crutches
to hold the broken parts

we speak with the tongue
but the hearts are numb
we speak, words are polite,
in silence the chill is felt
of the love long lost...

the same warm heart
is cold with desperation
the long unending arms
reminds of separation;
of one who was to be forever...

And yet, we refuse to move on
and give love a chance
And yet, we still call 'us' friends
when we have turned strangers
caged in our own worlds

Do i give in to show my bruises?
or stay stoic and calm?
Do i share the anger, the pain,
Or look ahead, and considered vain
by those who never understand?

the night has come
and i stay awake
closing my heart from all...
and words are but crutches
to hold the broken parts...

Unfinished talk...

You see the smile, the effervescent laugh
the warmth of a hundred hearts
and miss the mist behind the eyes

You see the showers of love, in the arms of beautiful people
having the pleasures of life
not the longing of the fire crushed within

You see the pride, the unflinching confidence
the arrogance of unwavering faith
but miss the heart’s childlike innocence

Sometimes, it is too late
to look back and start afresh…
The moment no more awaits
another chance to express
the words that is now lost…

So many missed glances
of warmth and love
So many stories of lost chances
of thawing the coldest vibe
and lost is the ground for truce

And here we are
like rivers moving in different direction
starting from the same mountain
reaching for the same sea
but never to mingle together as one…

Blessed me...

In love,
this world is a blur,
our moment is longer,
while hours slip by...
That moment,
when the tips of your fingers
brushed against mine
and sent a shiver up my spine...


You moved,
your face an inch closer
an inch away from mine
letting our breath do all the talk...
And smiled,
through your deep stormy eyes
i could see no more
till there was nothing more to hide...


With you,
i know of no other
i feel no other
it is just you and me...
This world,
is just a habit to follow and be a part of
while I am a part of you and you of mine
in our parallel universe...


It is here,
we meet and share our soul
intertwined within our arms and feet
and let it break free from the shackles
Of rituals,
of fake love, faker relationships
and become a moment
that lasts an eternity...

Friendship and Love

It took me some time to get my thoughts together on this, although the feeling has been around for a while. Yesterday when S spoke with me on her birthday, she put it in a very straight forward way when she said, "You are the only person I know who has not changed her priorities of people in her life after marriage. It does not revolve around that ONE man alone."

I was happy at least one more person has felt the change in relationships as I have. People fall in love and the entire world is only that one person. They are ready to change everything and everyone in their lives according to that one person. It is not like I am not in love with the man in my life, but I am in love with my friends as well.

9 years of friendship, sometimes decades of friendship, sometimes the deepest of friendship I have ever had in my conscious life just disappeared. And to say the least, I have felt cheated.
It is easier with a love relationship to say break up, but how do you "un-friend" someone. Especially when you have invested so much time, effort, emotions, love, trust everything to it. For me friendship is way higher than love. And when it comes to me, I have always been the one to call, always been the one to be there for every important occasion and the worst days. I have overlooked flaws, but how can I overlook being relegated to a mere name in the facebook or phonebook?

And for long, I carried on holding them the way they were for me earlier. Giving my 200%, only to realise I am an outsider in their lives and have no rights over them. My intentions was love and concern, but was termed something else. I became manipulative, fake, different coz I spoke the truth and said what I felt, like always.


I was hurt. And like I read somewhere very recently: Sometimes it sucks to be strong, because when people know that you are strong, they think it is okay to hurt you again and again. And I had nowhere to go, coz you don't bitch about friends. That's like breaking the ultimate law.

And then A spoke with me. He said it simply - you are overlooking the people who are there for the people who have left you, who don't even know what you are going through and more importantly don't even care to find out.  Before loving them, love yourself. They are living their lives, while you have stopped living yours for them.

I always thought friendships are forever, but they are not. People who end up sucking the last ounce of happiness from me, the door is that way. I kept giving chances, but well you are not worth another chance. I wish you all happiness in your life, but my values, my dreams, my life will not have trash from you. 

Now I am free from you.

Temptations...

To know

you are loved

And yet

to live without accepting that

To be held,

felt with passion

And yet

to not respond back

To have

a lover’s entwining arms

And yet

to be aloof of that

To be touched,

caressed as the precious one

And yet

to hold your urge back

To be the one

who was to be the life partner

And yet

to be the one who never was

To be there

with everyone

And yet

to wish for that silent back...

On a day like today

In a whirlwind

As we swooped, swirled

And moved beyond

The stars beckoned

“come and make this

Your new world”

A world created

On the back of tears,

Laughs, and on changing lives

of people unknown and near…

The one who was close

Burnt my soul

Broke me into pieces of dirt

The one unknown

Blessed that broken heart

To be fooled

And love the one who does not

And not know the one who does

Bend and pick up the unfinished

Pieces and build

Again what was destroyed…

And move on the path of right

Even when wronged…

That’s our life

Or something like that...

To you and you and you all

To you, who has disappeared

From my everyday life…

Soul sisters, lovebirds,

Friends from a different time;

Who does not call, or take my call;

Who believes silence is better than talks…

To you, who stabbed me with words

Of hatred and fake love

Of betrayal and false promises all

With conditions attached…

Who left at the first challenge

That broke us apart…

To you, who wanted to be understood

But never understanding…

Who wanted to be loved

But never loving …

Who wanted to possess me

Own me, show me as their catch…

Does it gladden you

to see my wringing heart?

to see me beaten down

with my broken dreams

and you a thing of past?

to see me turn faithless

cynical, with a no entry wall?

To you, and you and you

Take it all,

Take it and live in your happy world...

While i wait,

For my eyes to close

the doors of my heart...